Landscape - Hay bails, 1 - 25/02/06

Landscape - Hay bails, 1 - 25/02/06
Originally uploaded by Nengisuls.

1 week back and I can surely say I am .........

I must admit that now I am probably more confused than ever. I came back with no money and a debt the size of my credit card. The has never been a time in my life when I have been this poor. Really, it is almost liberating when you don't consider the charity one must hope for in my situation. So in actual fact I am rather morose at the moment. My family has come through for me as usual and I am so grateful and humbled by their compassion. I just wish I could do something more for them. At present I'm not working and simply waiting for a call from my perspective ex-employer. I feel a great deal of pride when I think about the family of work colleges I have managed to acquire.

As it turns out I may be working back in Brisbane again. Grateful as I am I still feel reluctant to leave my family once again but we must follow our destiny and if that means heading on up to Brisvegas then I must. Uni starts in July and I am very much looking forward to learning once again. It has been some time since the old days of drug induced University. I don't intend on going back to my old ways but I do intend on trying very hard to get a good education. My interest in Uni is very much aimed at giving me the mental resources to work in a foreign country. Hopefully I can start to learn Thai but I am concerned I may not be able to at my selected Uni. We will just have to see. At the moment my priorities are set and my mission is clear. Work, clear my debts, try to save some money and start Uni.

Na and I miss eachother very much but the distance has surely stirred up its fair share of confusion. My situation doesn't only affect my life. It has an impact on all those around me. I'm faced with mounting tension and confusion as I try to predict the unpredictable - once again. Na is on the move very soon and should be in Chiang Mai by morning. From there the world is her oyster. I really look forward to seeing her flourish over the next coming months. The stories will be fascinating as will my own. I type this with a smile on my face because the two of us have been through so much in such a short amount of time. My adventure in Thailand was very much a non-working holiday. Na and I have been slipping away into a vast realm of stagnant relaxation followed by intense 12 hr bus rides and general unknown circumstances. Now we finally have the opportunity to make something for ourselves. I'm optimistic for the future regardless of the outcome as I know things can only go up when you have come down this far.

As per usual I find myself being moderately pessimistic. My trip was supposed to be an amazing adventure and I was looking forward to meeting people from all over the world. Fact is that I didn't really meet that many people at all. Yes, it was amazing and very eye opening but it wasn't at all like the common backpacker experience I envisaged. Never will I regret it but it has surely been trying on my emotions. I have learnt so much about the people, the land, the culture and the life styles of many different individuals. Some is good and some is bad but as the saying goes, "No one is perfect; sometimes good, sometimes bad". As mentioned, I am looking forward to the next coming months, more so because I have come to such a low at the moment that I must do something positive with my life.

I will be riddled with this unknown confusion for some time. Hopefully I can find a positive resolution in the near future. I must admit that I feel more like Nengi now than I ever have. Coming back to Melbourne has been a very interesting experience. There are people here that I haven't seen for over a year and perhaps I might be leaving them once again to follow this destiny of mine. I feel real for the first time in a long time - still, only to an extent.

"....gone are the days of my being inside a carrier. I am now me and I can feel it growing" -Nengi

Nengisuls

Coming home. Both Joyous and Mournful

Hey Mum,

Yeah made it to Bangkok safely. Na is still with me and we should be leaving for the airport in about an hour. It has been a very sad day or 2 and it is finally starting to sink in that I will be going home and may not see Na for a long time. Really, after all that has happend I still feel so strongly for her as she does for me. She knows that there isn't much help I can provide given the limited time I have to pay off my debts and what she has to do here. None the less she is going to work very hard in the near future and is definately going to make a concerted effort to make it to Australia. She is willing to do everything it takes to come and wants to really make some thing for herself and us. So much so that she is willing to --------------- to get there. I know she did some questionable things in the past and I'm aware of the reasons. But it is her willingness to give all for the goal that makes me crazy about her. I don't know what will happen in the future but I am not calling it quits just yet. Nobody said life was easy and I intend on keeping what we have as strong as I can, even if it is accross international lines. Life can be unpredictable and certainly difficult but what would I be saying about myself if I simply cut and run when things looked bad. At anycost I do not have anything to lose and everything to gain with my trip home, work and education. If Na can be a part of that life I would be very happy.

See you in Melbourne. I'll try to call from Sydney if I can. heheh Might have to call reverse charges as I don't have any Australian currency on me.

Luv --------
XXOO

3 days trekking at Doi Intanon

Na and I have just completed 3 days on the mighty Doi Intanon. Doi is the Thai word for Mountain and Doi Intanon is the largest mountain in Thailand. Unfortunately our trek didn't involve hiking to the top of the mountain but we were able to see some great waterfalls and I also had the priveladge of launching myself off the top of a 5 metre cliff into the water. All great fun. We were accompanied by 5 other trekers from Scotland, China and Canada. In total we hiked about 17 kms and swam in about 4 different water holes with very scenic waterfalls all round the area. As per usual I am ver Kii Ki Et (lazy) and will have to wait till I get back to Australia before I start uploading photographs. I can assure you this national park is both beautiful and picturesque.

My excitement about my up and coming journey back to Australia is building. I have become quite slow and tired now. The thought of spending some time writing simple blog entries tries me and I feel I need to ground myself. I will surely miss my Teerak (:P Darling) but hopefully I will see her in the near future. Whether that be in Australia or Thailand. This experience has taught me so many things but these lessons are taking some time to be acknowleged. I hope that once I reach home soil I will be able to reflect positively on my time here. At present I am just trying to relax as much as I can and finalise things here before I head back to Bkk and then Sydney to Melbourne.

I miss my family so much and feel as though I need them now to ground me again. I have been running an unpredictable gauntlet for the last couple of months and the idea of living in Thailand is way to much for me to cope with at the moment. I can't wait to shake my brothers and step fathers hands, and to see the look on my mothers face when I walk through the arrivals section of the airport. This moment is one I think of contiually but could be ore to my detriment as the home sickness can be somewhat depressing.

Anyway I'll cut it short and end with some words of passion and conviction. My time has been far different from that of a common backpacker. I have not followed the worn path of many a backpacker. I have traced the steps of Thai society and seen a side that many have not. I have eaten many foods I most likely wont find in Australia (I'll try to cook some when I get back). I have learnt more Thai than I need for now but because of my surroundings still find it hard to order some food in Thai. I have seen the poor rice farmers of the north east and truly understand the difficult they suffer every year due to low rice prices. There have been so many other things that will take some time to recognise but in time I will look back and truly cherish the time I have spent. Even with times of turmoil and disappointment I am truly happy with my experience and do not want to trade it for the world.

Signing out for now
Nengi

Updates once again. Changes of plans.

I'll keep this brief because its getting late and I'm too tired to type any fantastic stories of adventure.

Plans have changed on a minor scale. I'll be here till the 14th of Feb. I was going to go home in 3 days but that is by no means enough time for me to spend with Na. I'm going to miss her dearly and hopefully she will be able to come to Australia soon. Who knows what the future holds.

We are in Pai at the moment and will be heading back to Chiang Mai for atleast a week. Then it's back to crazy BKK and home. These are strange times and expiriences like I have never felt. It can be overwhelming at times but atleast I have my health. All is good and I am looking forward to getting back to working life soon.

In short I'll be on Australian soil soon

So in brief I'll be home soon. My flight leaves on the 25th and I'll be in Melbourne early on the 26th. Get the streamers and party poppers ready. Really this next week will be very hard. Poor Na and me will be in a long distance relationship. This is something I'm trying to be ready for. She means the world to me and if I can make it work I will. I look forward to the day when she can finally see Australia.

Who knows what the future holds. Hopefully my plans will come to fruition in the near future. Well what ever limited plans I have at present. I don't like to speculate at the moment because things always have a tendency to change without further notice.

One thing I know is that I want a motor bike. heheh Sorry mum, but there are probably more motor bikes that cars and it is a very ecenomical alternative to a car.

Anyways I must be off. We're heading to Chang Mai and I have much to plan before then.

Embarking on a true journey of discovery into something unknown

Once again I must apologies for my delayed posts. As per usual it is much harder than one might think to find precious time for these stories of adventure and triumph. My most recent endevour has taken me on a soul searching challenge. For New Years Na and I made the grave journey from Bangkok to Roi Et. This is where her family lives and it is vitually off the map for Farangs.

It all started with a 7 hour bus ride in a vehicle that was surely designed for Thais as my long legs were continually pressed against the seat in front of me. Not to mention the fact I was the single lucky winner of a seat next to one of Na's drunk cousins. Sure he was a lovely guy and I did appreciate the close comfort of his head on my shoulder for most of the ride (extreme sarcasm), but after the first few hours the cramps in my legs were almost to much.

We reached Pon Sai, Roi Et at about 8 in the morning and were plesently greated by many childeren and fellow residents. This was the first of many sureal expiriences on our journey. The sight of a farang in these parts is very rare, and I mean it. Chances are it has probably been many months since they have seen a white alien such as myself and the greetings were more than welcomed by me. I already felt very much like family.

Na's parent's house stands on stilts and was once 2 levels. Through years of flood the lower level has been removed leaving a large vacant area with assorted sleeping and eating tables. There isn't a common dining table as such but more of a dining floor. A truely unique expirience for myself and one I will never forget.

In short, New years was filled with eating, drinking, dancing and singing. Personally I participated in the first to endulgences but tried my hardest to avoid the dancing and singing. The real issue for me was that when I tried to do some Isan dancing the girls would scream. As though I was one of the Beatles. I'm more than serious. I feel that perhaps the sight of a farang dancing to Isan music is either hilarious, terrifying or simply something abstract and almost incomprehensible to these people.

The communication gap was surely one of my greatest challenges and I have told Na on a few occasions that I consider this to be one of the greatest things I have done in my life. I have travelled way beyond my comfort zone into a realm of hand singals and mixed English, Thai and Isan. There were many times when I was completely terrified. Perhaps it was a symptom of some obscure culture shock. One particular instance found me at a teenagers Isan Kareoke party on the street at 3 in the morning of New years. Na's Cus's partner managed to drag me out of bed (he also speaks no English what so ever). I was very groggy and assumed that Na was probably where he was taking me. Boy was I wrong. Kid's were singing and dancing while P Sawai was trying to coax me on the street dance floor. Honestly I was not in the mood for dancing so I put up as much restraint as I could. For a moment I raised my hands in the air to offer some sign of participation. It was then that about 10 teenage girls started screaming and giggling. I have never really been a show pony so this felt awfully embarrassing. But the really uncomfortable part came when about 5 guys started crouding around me, all equally trying to gain my attention. Shortly after I insisted that I must go and virtually walked off in mid sentance. I must admit as daunting as tis was I still appreciate the expirience and have learnt much from it.

All in all I feel like my eyes have been opened to this old and facinating culture. These are poor lands and the people work very hard for what they have. The community is small and most are either family friends or blood related. Oneday we will go back and see whether much has changed but I have a feeling things will probably be the same.

The smells, sights and sewage

Ahhh it's great to be back in the hustle and bustle of the big smoke. Bangkok that is. We returned this morning at about 0630 and spent the following couple of hours searching for a room. Luckily Na knows the people that run the guest hours we stayed at before we left the big smoke. So now we are sunning up in the substantially warmer climate of Bangkok and I feel great.

It now seems apparent that I have learnt many things. When I first reached Bangkok at the beginning of November I was scared and overwhelmed by the sheer over absorbing, extreme, nature of the city. Even while in the company of Na I still felt almost as though it was all to much. Now after seeing Pai and Chiang Mai I feel at peace. Like the lessons I have learnt while away have helped me to adapt to life in Thialand. Admittedly my Thai is getting slightly better but that is surely not it. I have now simply become marginally accustomed to the life style here. Comfortable and relaxed in this chaotic environment - of Bangkok.

So now I am faced with the prospect of working as a teacher which brings with it so many new fears of failure and hopelessness. HAHAHA That is just me being paranoid as usual. Narin has taught me many things but one compounding lesson I am starting to learn is that I have to relax and stop taking things so seriously. Everytime something changes I find myself stressing out. Especially when it comes to money. But now I can be rest-assured that teaching English should be fairly straight forward. Everyone I have spoken to says it is as simple a job as can be.

On a serious note I would like to voice a concern of both mine and Narins. This concern is for the free loading backpacker that comes to Thailand and needs to extend his or her holiday further. I feel so terribly guilty that I am resorting to working as a teacher as it is, in a way, a corrupt and unfair system. I will be capable of earning around 30000 baht per month as a minimum. Where as the local Thai's can only expect to earn upto about 10000 baht per month. Economically speaking I understand why English teachers are paid so generously but it is easy to understand how the Thais must feel when English teachers teach by day, then drink up their money on booze and woman on Khao San by night. It makes me sick. The only thing I can do is attempt to be the best damn teacher I can be. I hope I can be a good example to those that may follow the same path I have taken.

I must leave it here as I have 11 minutes left and I've also left Na at the hairdressers for the past hour. heheh Who knows what sort of trouble I might be in? Till next time, be good. And for god's sake, if you can be good be careful.
Nengi

photos 13/12/05 - 2

photos 13/12/05 -1

Approaching a definite change and I can't wait

Our time in Chiang Mai feels like it has been wasted. We have slept through until the afternoon most days and I'm sure it's just that we are aclimatising from the slow life in Pai. Also we have come down with yet another flu and I have been blessed with a throat ulcer. But who can complain. It wont be long until I have to start working in Bangkok. I sincerely hope I can find the work because otherwise I will have to go back home. I'm sure there are many that would love to see me on my way back and off to University, but that isn't going to happen just yet.

Tomorrow we think we might aim to get to the top of Doi Suthep - the large mountain with temple on the top. From what I gather we should be able to reach the top by Sawngteaw (a ute that usually charges about 40 B per person). I'm sure it will be amazing but that isn't what's on my mind.

My observations of Thailand have been scattered at best. My first impressions where that of any person leaving their home country for the first time by themselves. I was fairly scared but mostly I was excited about seeing new lands and learning new things that I may never learn while at home. As you all know I managed to meet Narin and we have been together ever since. Now I am getting ready to work, if I can, and I'm looking forward to slipping into some surreal stream of normality.

It seems that there are a few general classifications of travelers through Thailand. I'll make it clear now that I don't think I ever really wanted to be the back packing kind. Perhaps that is why I find myself here now in this situation.

The Backpacker:

The Backpacker gets into Bangkok and quickly finds a room, if it hasn't already been pre-booked. The thing is that the Backpacker gets so sick of Bangkok that they are usually off and out within a couple of days. I personally spent 3 weeks in BKK. Admittedly it was fairly chaotic but the people I met were far more interesting than the common Backpacker. One common quote I have heard throughout my travels is; "Well I've been here for about a week, and I've been (here there and every where). I'll be going to Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia and then back to Thailand". Usually this is followed by a trip back home to work.

Dirty Ol' Bastard:

This is self-explanatory. Many DOB's come to Thailand because they are unable to make something of themselves in their home countries. Often they come to see the likes of Silom in BKK, followed by Patayya and any other working girl areas throughout Thailand. Some may find love and wind up with a girl 20 years younger than themselves. I find it disheartening to see but unfortunately it has become a major part of life in Thailand. I've also seem many of these DOB's waltzing the streets of Chiang Mai, probably more so here than in Bangkok. They look awfully strange and somehow out of place in this environment.

Temporary love:

This Temporary love is something that I find myself closely linked with but I would like to think that my situation is still some what different. Well I hope it is because otherwise I will be heading home very soon. This sort of love is where a man might find himself a lady to virtually escort him around the country. Generally the man will pay for most things but he will have a personal guide to order food, get better deals on taxi fairs and generally take care of the tourist. This can almost be seen as puppy prostitution but I'd say it is almost permissible in my eyes.

My kind of travel:

I find myself in a foreign country with Narin. She is an amazing girl and I am really happy to have spent the last month or so with her. Initially I was apprehensive about what I was getting myself into. I was paying for a lot and now we have exhausted most of my funds. I know this will inspire many nervous comments but I can assure you it is not what you think. I'm more confident now than I have ever been because now it is her that must support me. I am planning on working soon and I am aware that I'll have to wait for 1 month before I get paid. That could mean that I wont receive an income for atleast another 1.5 months. I have found someone that really wants to be with me because she is willing to support me as I am willing to support her. She is really positive about both mine and her employment opportunities. Once we reach BKK we will be finding an apartment and hopefully we shouldn't have to wait to long for me to start working. Now please refrain from offering any comments that may offend me. I'm aware that my situation can be seen as quite risque but it is my situation and I'm confident in the final outcome. Honestly, I never really wanted to be a Backpacker. I'm happy knowing that I have the opportunity to stay and live in a foreign country. It has been a hidden dream of mine for some time. Worse comes to worst I can jump on a plane back to Australia and go to Uni.

Before I left Australia I had made a subtle pact with myself. I said I wanted to learn something. It was something I couldn't predict before I left and it has surely been educational. I have learnt so much about myself, about Narin and her families way of life in the North East, about food and the amazing pleasure it can bring, about the Ex-Pat community and how close they really are to eachother, about the Thai people as a whole, about riding motor bikes without a helmet and living to tell the tale (don't worry, I didn't crash) and many other things I can't recognise myself. I can assure all loved ones out there that I am following my dreams and I have never been happier. It seems that my depressive days of yesterday have dwindled to a mild trickle. I feel as though everything is falling into place, even though my future is more uncertain than ever.

My apologies for the delays in entries and photos. I'm sure you have all been wondering what has been happening but my mind has been in a perpetual mist of discovery. Hopefully soon I can upload 3 weeks worth of photos for you all to see. Please leave as many messages as you like. I miss you all and look forward to reading your replies in the next couple of days.

momentary update

Ok, so I must apologies for my most serious delay between entries. Fact of the matter is that the other day I had completed a nice 6 or 7 hundred words and as I went to spell check it I lost the entire thing. We are in the net cafe just briefly so I thought I might update you on the minor details now and then later I can continue with more details.
We left Pai 3 days ago and are now in Chiang Mai. For some reason we have been exceptionally lazy and haven't really left the room till after lunch each day. Today we managed to get out of our 350 baht room with a TV. We have found a room for 200 without the added luxury of visual stimulation. That means we will just have to find that out in the city.
Last night we went to my favourite BBQ place so far in Thailand. We have probably been to about 4 of them since I got here at the start of November. I was mentioning to Na that it would be a great business opportunity to set up a BBQ place like this in Australia. But I also considered that it might not be all that legal to let Australians cook their own food in a restraunt. I'll explain what the BBQ place actually is later on.
Well I must be off. Once again sorry for the delay between posts and I'll be sure to start making some more phone calls soon.

Pai - A truly slow place

We have made it to Pai. Such a small and peaceful town when compared to Bangkok. The amenities for the price you pay on accommodation is far worth it.

But the tale of my accommodation and the 15 hrs it took to get here is not what's on my mind. It is the uncertainty of my situation. I have already received an expected response from loved ones back home - with regard to my last post. Fact of the matter is that I am sick of planning for things. For once in my life I feel liberated. Against all reasonable actions I have decided to calm down and not decide anything for the mean while. I think what has hurt the most has been the assumption of suspicious behavior on park of my GF. Admittedly, those that know me understand that I am very naive and could quite easily be taken advantage of. The problem is that I have cried for help in the past. And it hasn't got me anywhere. Essentially I control my own self. I must make these decisions with my own interests in mind. I think those concerned are worried either that: first and foremost that I am being swindled and that I'll have to come home in a couple of weeks because I have no money. Secondly is that I will simply never come home and live my days in Thailand. "Neglecting real responsibilities".

Now I have always said that I want to move and live in another country. Personally I would love to study here if I can. So my question is this:

Is there anything wrong with deciding to stay longer or indefinitely? Should I do the "Right thing" and go back to Australia to study? Or should I do the irresponsible thing and live my life as I choose?

My apologies for the seemingly negative post. It's not. I'm just going through this phase at the moment.

3 weeks and I'm not sure where home is.

It has been some time since my last entry to this life journey of mine. Reasons being are possibly to confusing for me to understand as of yet. I have a feeling it has something to do with the culture shock I am still suffering from. There are so many differences to this culture compared to Australian culture. Admittedly I feel I have been privileged to meet Na. She is a wonderful person and I have getting to know her better and better every day.
We traveled from Bangkok, west, to Kanchanaburi. Only for a couple of days but it was a great relief to get out of bangkok. For someone like myself Bangkok is an exceptionally overwhelming city. Even the simple task of crossing the road is made difficult by no real clear cut moment of safety. You walk at your own risk but most of the time the cars and saamlaw see you coming. It's a dicey balance of controlled chaos and oblivion.

But back to the beginning. Luckily for me I managed to meet someone on the plane trip here. He was a nice enough guy so we ended up sharing a room. I feel for him now as I abandon him at the time. After 2 days I managed to meet my, now, girlfriend and we have been together since. Initially I expected to do the normal travel thing. Move around from city to city, seeing the local tourist hangouts and definitely spending some time in Krabi climbing. Strange as is sounds I have only been climbing 1 time in the last 3 weeks. And yes I am having withdrawals as I type.
As it turns out the privilege and advantage of having a Thai GF is that I possibly get to see more places that are less accessible to the common farang. At times I question my integrity because I continually see these mixed relationships. I wonder whether I am different to those I see on the street. See there are a variety of different mixed relationships that exist in Bangkok. First and foremost there is that of the day by day stalker. Now this may be a generalisation but I have seen (not first hand) that many Thai men or woman (mostly woman) frequent the local pubs and clubs in Th Khao San. They are searching for the unsuspecting drunk backpacker. Some might have sex while others might get some money. But the buck stops at the fact that, essentially, these are not long relationship and can potentially only be one night stands with the hope of monetary return.

I would like to see my situation as different. I have met this wonderful girl and we are still together. Nobody likes using the word love this early in play but I can surely say that I am crazy about here. I was out one of those dang farang bars on my second night. I don't normally have an interest in that loud ear drum splitting scene but I thought I should at least attempt to meet some new friends for my travels. Alex (the guy I met on the plane) and I went along with some Irish blokes and before I knew it they were having a ball, jumping around and generally doing what boys our age do. So I soon left for Soi Rambuttri, which was the lane where my room was at the time. I was convinced to sit down by a lovely guy named Tom, or Cha Cha (Slow Slow), as they call him. Cha Cha's is a road side bar which is basically a set of tarpaulins on the road. It's simple and that is why I chose to sit there. By they time I was ready to leave it was about 5 in the morning and I was being convinced to stay just a little longer by Na who had not to much earlier showed up. She kept telling me "No don't leave just yet. It's only 4". I knew what the time was but I was easily persuaded to stay. Soon enough everyone had gone home and it was just us. I asked her to take me to the river, so we walked for about 10 minutes and watched the sun come up (you may remember photos recently uploaded of us at the river). As you can imagine the rest is history. We leave for Chiang Mai on Monday and we should be around there until about the 4th of December. I'll surely try to update my entries while we are up north.

There is much for me to say but for now I think I will hold my thoughts until a later date. I will say one thing though - possibly to the dismay of loved ones back home. No decision is final. My life has changed more than I ever imagined and I cannot imagine where I will be in the coming months. I have already considered the possibility of working here and I may also stay longer if the need arises. Nothing is concrete and you will simply have to wait to see what happens.
Apologies for the major delay and I wish all those back home my love and the best of wishes.

and finally more photos

and more

more

photos

Culture shock and new found interests

Dammit. This crazy computer just deleted my entire post. So due to my dismay I am going to leave it short.

This place is amazing and I have never seen such a healthy culture. Fact of the matter is that this place is growing on me. I have met a girl and we have bee together for the past 5 days.

haahha I'll leave you in suspense till I can be motivated to get off my bum and write something. Sorry to all those actually visiting the blog.

Damn this computer.

Safe and sound. Down and out

02/11/05

I have made it. Safe and sound. Initially I was intending on describing my feelings of the trip here. Then I thought I might voice my concerns about the "Sunuk" Philosphy in Bangkok (Krung Thep). But once I arrived back to the guesthouse with my new friend Alex I realised that I have embarked on a serious journey. It will take far more than this simple, half drunken entry to explain my true feelings.

Apologies for the limited entry and I'll include more pics once I can copy them to CD.

Signing out.

Nengi

An anxious wait

Today has seen a new sense of urgency for my leaving. I only have 3 days until I leave the country and I would really just like to get my journey underway. My room still hasn't been filled yet but I have lost all care for this god-forsaken room. My budget seems to be inline anyway so I just want to get going.

I had the pleasure of briefly going out on the town last night. 2 of my house mates and I went to a pub in Brisbane. I am terrible at having a good time when I go out. Always concerned about peoples thoughts and opinions. The night ended after 35 dollars of bear, Macca's and a train home.

I put my sudden pessimism down to last night. I'm just not party material at the moment. Maybe my trip will change that. Then again maybe partying isn't really a skill I'm interested in.

1 week to go

I should be excited and happy about my trip but I find myself overly concerned with things outside my control. My infatuation with budgeting has turned out to be my down fall and finding a tenant for my room is becoming exceedingly difficult.

The budget was rock solid 2 weeks ago but now, as outgoing over runs topple and expected income is restricted, I am some what nautious. At any cost I can look forward to some sort of credit card debt when I get back. It has been said that many people come back from traveling holidays with some sort of debt but I was eagerly looking forward to coming back with some cash in my pocket for the commencement of my school year. We can't have everything and this is what forever drives me crazy. I struggled so hard to be frugal and economical but still I find additions to my budget which are just impossible to account for.

The prospect of finding a tenant for my room is frustrating to say the least. If I hear the words "I'll think about it one more time", I'll flip. Thinking about it can only take a couple of days in my situation. Without the reassurance of a tenant I feel like it will be a burden on my time while away. Having to pay rent while on holidays isn't my idea of fun.

So while I should be excited I am overly stressed about things beyond my control. Really I should simply understand the risks I am challenging and also understand that nothing is certain. Initially I thought my estimations were sure but now I am sure my budget over runs and unexpected costs will rule my thoughts until the day I leave. Hopefully no longer following my arrival in Bangkok.

There is also the new CMR regulations implemented by Australian Customs that plague my daily workload, but that is best left unspoken.

"...For someone that loves change it surely scares the living daylights out of me" Nengi

Photo I took while driving home. Well I was stopped at the lights so its ok. No effects, thats water on the windscreen.

Parties are strange occurrences

It's odd that I would think of Parties as strange occurrences. They are supposed to be about fun and socialising. But I find myself challenged by the prospect of baring all to the world. Parties are where people really get to know each other. It's like a pool of different souls swimming around with the chance of finding a new friend. Personally, I struggle with the concept.

It's my English house mates B'day today and I am dressed as a 1950's mountain climber. Baring all to the world. Well not all, but lets face it I look pretty silly. English housemate has a dress on that I think looks fine - she thinks she looks awful. And Mr PNG is in black and white shorts with a button up shirt, and Mr Vego is in a Leather jacket - "...Isn't it Ironic".

If you haven't already guessed, we are having a bad taste party. Admittedly my costume isn't so much bad taste as odd taste. I am the token rock climber in the house so of course I would dress up as a mountaineer. Really I just didn't want to dress up as a girl.

I'll leave this entry shorts as I might be critised for writing blog entries while there is a party going on.

Adios amigos

Nengi

Utter beauty with little English

I have been struggling to find a tenant for my room and time is running short for me now. My rental contract expires at the beginning of January and I can't afford to continue paying it while I am unemployed and traveling. Today I received a call from a perspective tenant and arranged for her to come see the room. She spoke marginal English and was unable to find her way to my place so I offered to pick her up. I'm just a big sucker, I know. This girl is possibly one of the most beautiful girls I have seen in my life. So delicate and fragile. I wonder if she climbs :oP - Probably not. So answer me this: Is it wrong to ask a girl out when she simply came to check out a room? I don't know really but what I do know is that I'm leaving in 3 weeks and it is probably not worth my while. I don't care though. Hormones are racing and I don't know what is right or wrong. HAHAHA indecision, that doesn't sound like me.

Anticipating the inevitable

I am anticipating the inevitable. Continually re-evaluating my preconceived notions of what to expect in a foreign country. Perhaps I am concentrating to much on what will go wrong and not enough on the sheer enjoyment and experience of traveling to lands afar. It seems that humans have the instinctive nature of preparing for the worst as opposed to anticipating the pleasures and enjoyment of future challenges. I am a pessimist at heart (with a dash of optimism) and can only imagine catching malaria or being ripped off by the local Tuk Tuk drivers. Relatively speaking, I'm sure all will be fine. My time will be spent traveling through culturally rich regions and lying on sun swept, secluded beaches.

Part of me hopes I might meet a fine lass but the pessimism sets back in and I realise that I cannot expect to have a secure relationship with someone that lives on the other side of the planet - not to mention my utter lack of confidence with regard to simply meeting a woman. A friendly couple I know met each other in Thailand and currently live in Brisbane together. One German male and one Australian female. So it can work out under certain conditions. Under my own conditions I only see disaster in such a relationship. Once again I anticipate to much. I need to live more for the moment and to try not to expect to much. As the saying goes "expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

Some how I feel like I should be more philosophical, but in reality it is a time honoured tradition of mine to over think my issues and cause distress to me and those around me. Maybe the real philosophy should be that I will never know what to expect and attempting to predict the future will only cause confusion in the present.

All over my floor

I find nothing more repulsive than binge drinking hooliganism. Followed closely by vomiting on someone's toilet floor. Lets face it, you made it so close. What was stopping you from opening the toilet seat and taking aim? It's a wonder what half a bottle of vodka in half an hour can do to a man.

I remember the days of yesterday when us highschool kids would purchase the cheapest, most grotesque 'poisons' we could for a random and eventful night. Binge drinking was popular in my day but we at least had the self control to pace ourselves to some degree. Surely by the end of the night I would wind up in some ditch puking my guts up, but I always took aim in an appropriate locality. The thought of desecrating some poor innocent host's premises was too much to bare.

This short entry was inspired on the spur of the moment by a vocal projection I would best forget. So I end this by offering some advice. Watch your booze and be responsible. A small percentage of drinkers can actually handle high alcohol consumption therefore overuse will only cause problems.

Nengi

My belated update of things to come

It appears now that I'll be traveling to Thailand. My flight is booked, I don't have a passport nor do I have travel insurance and I still don't know if I'll be able to fill this damn room of mine while I'm away. But all is well because I have committed to something I never thought I could do. Well actually I've always wanted to travel overseas for an extended adventure but due to my previous drugo experiences I have been somewhat of a pessimist - combined with the occasional crazy-man optimism associated with drug addiction.

I'll be traveling throughout the land of smiles for just under 3 months with only broad intentions of what I'd like to accomplish. First and foremost is the personal journey of discovery within me, followed by the experience and endeavors of learning about South East Asian cultures and people. Beyond that, I'm not to sure. This is what I like to call the miscellaneous goal. The unknown and the willingness to push through the force of unpredictability, even in the face of despair.

The personal journey for me is one of independence. An ability to be able to trust my instincts and to rely on my abilities without hesitation. A grave issue of mine for many years now has been an unwillingness to trust my thoughts. Can I accomplish the next great challenge? I think so. Will I crumble and fail? Hell no, I'm here now and I'll stand up to what ever life has to throw at me. Realistically I'm as scared as a little boy on his first day of school. This fear is one of lasting anguish, forever testing me. I feel as though my struggle up this great peak has been one of my greatest accomplishments, yet I glance over yonder only to realise I still have more horrendous peaks to climb. So, yes, I'm looking forward to this great journey but I also reside within myself and recognise that I have to overcome a my lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.

In a way I feel that by learning about foreign cultures indifferent to mine I will some how find, in me, a new idea of humanity and a way to move forward as a real person. I have always tokened a specific example to the way I feel inside. It is as though I am merely occupying this carrier I call a body, looking out of these eyes from deep within. I do not see the answers yet but time will draw them out and I may one day feel normal again. It is my friends and family that reassure me and make me feel normal and real inside- but what's real anyway? As funny as it sounds I look at this world in the same way as Neo looked at the Matrix. There must be something we are all missing. Something bigger than us. There goes my agnostic thoughts again. Maybe I can find peace in Buddhism or Islam :oP. Or perhaps I simply think to much.

Finally I come to the miscellaneous goal, which possibly refers to my previous paragraph but in more realistic terms it refers to the world around me and how I interact with it. This last year has seen me interacting with my world in a stale and unfulfilled manner. Working to live and dreading my days in a mentally unrewarding occupation. Generally the populace do exactly that. The majority are processing your paper work, cleaning your schools and institutions, selling you products and fundamentally supporting your way of life. I say no to that pathway because I want to be satisfied in my lively ambitions - I want to live to work, not work to live (not trying to criticise the majority consensus). Maybe I'm just an idealist and maybe I will forever be striving for satisfaction but I would rather strive for something than settle for something. After all satisfaction is only temporary. My confidence in that slogan is dwindling as I attempt to glance into my future. I'll be struggling with this notion for the rest of my life unless I see the beauty in simplicity and the happiness in life. Thai culture uses the term sanuk (fun) as a way of living. If something becomes mai sanuk (not fun) it is considered drudgery or mundane therefore functions using the sanuk ideology. I hope one day I might truly recognise this constructive metaphor for life. Perhaps satisfaction wont simply be temporary.

As per usual I have read to much into my thoughts. It is now that I have to strip all preconceived notions of what I believe in and start from scratch. I'm now left naked with no real idea, but a veritable melting pot of different ideologies. This is how I define the meaning of life, a sequence of mental evolutions with the aim of deciphering some great and all empowering theory of being. It just isn't possible, it's a pipe dream.

So this time, 2 months from now I'll be trekking around Thailand. It's all I can think of at the moment. I thoroughly look forward to the change in direction and the unlimited possibilities that await me. The only thing that stays the same is change (Sage Francis).

Nengi

The epic of my first Mt Maroon experience

03/09/2005:0615

Blang blang bling dong dang.... I must have accidentally turned my alarm off in a hazy half awake state because that is my door bell and I was supposed to be up at 0530. A bell from hell with its ridiculously loud monochromatic melodies of songs from before my time. The other residence of my house should be awake after that screeching serenade coming from the kitchen. I quickly jump out of bed, rap a towel around me and race for the front door. It's Womby (not real name), my climbing partner for today. I unlock the fortress gate so he can rummage through my assortment of climbing gear which has been laid out on the lounge room floor since last night. I eagerly get changed and gather all my gear, ready for yet another weekend of climbing chaos. Once all the appropriate gear has been accounted for we jump in the car and head off on our long journey to the mighty Mt Maroon.

After two hours of driving we arrive at what looks to be the outskirts of a paddock. The next ten or so minutes are a big part of our excursion, as we are preparing for what will be a very long day. Womby opens the boot of his car and we take what gear we need. I have a quick smoke, put my harness on, clip all the gear I'll be needing to my gear loops and tie one of the ropes to my body like a backpack. We head off toward this grand behemoth knowing only to well that there is a long walk ahead. Approximately and hour or so of steep hiking we divert off the worn tourist track through moderately dense scrub and boulders. At present we are probably around six to seven hundred metres off the ground and we still have some way to go till we arrive at our destination. Womby guides us up through the bush to a cliff with no obvious way down to the base of our climb. We search the wall for a couple of anchors to rappel from. After half an hour of looking, calling friends for beta and snacking on fruit bars we decide to rappel from a large boulder just down from where we are standing.

The rappel from this boulder is surely one of the most interesting raps I have done. There are about 3 levels broken up by horizontal sections of ferns and other subtropical shrubbery. After reaching the first horizontal section I find myself plunging my boots through the wet greenery, trying to find footing on anything available. I reach the next ledge and carefully lower myself closer to the ground. Once at the bottom I call out to Womby "Off rope". "Okie dokie" he replies. Womby then starts his rappel following the my same line. He is overly cautious and doesn't look comfortable but after some struggle he makes it to the ground and we both coil up the ropes.

The climb we are about to attempt is called Jug City. It's a moderately easy grade at 16 but that is all I'm interested in climbing today as Mt Maroon has a long approach and the thought of getting trapped out here is definitely in the back of my mind. I lead the first pitch on what I would call less than bomber gear. None the less I complete my climb with some difficulty at the top due to a clump of irritating long grass filling my face as I try to top out onto a ledge. As I gain the top of the first pitch I search desperately for a tree worthy of belaying Womby up. There is nothing here, well nothing except for a couple of small cracks in the rock. So, as quickly as I can, I place four pieces of gear and equalise the anchor so Womby can second up the climb I just ascended, "On belay, climb when ready". "Okie dokie" replies Womby.

Once he reaches the ledge we realise that the day is getting the better of us. It is already around 1600 and we still have to get to the top of this epic 120m multi pitch climb - time sure does fly when you're having fun. Womby quickly grabs all the trad gear he can from me and heads off on the second pitch. We have to simply follow the line of least resistance but after about twenty minutes of climbing Womby realises that he may have headed to far left, and that we may very well be heading toward more difficult territory. He gains a tree belay about twenty or so metres from me and begins to rig up my anchor so I can second him up the climb. After a short while he hollers "On belay, climb when ready". So I quickly throw my shoes and helmet on and clean the rest of the gear from the rock. "Ok. Climbing".

I top out at Womby's anchor and realise that it is getting late - around 1700. We are faced with a predicament of being caught on the face with very little time before dark to get out off the rock and back to the safety of the car. Womby and I quickly rig up the lines for a rap and descend to the bottom of the climb. At present we are still at around six hundred metres of the ground with less than an hour of sun to light our path. We pack our gear and start to scramble down the scree slope until we reach a ledge with a forty metre drop ahead of us. This turns out to be one of my most rewarding abseils (never thought I would say that). There are two free hanging sections and lots of nice rock to admire.

The next hour is spent scrambling down loose bush to more ledges requiring more rappelling. The sun fades quickly and before soon we are finishing our last abseil with barely a glimmer of light to guide our way. Doh, I realise I left my head lamp at home so Womby switches on his head lamp and I have to resort to using my phones camera light which is surprisingly bright. We start to traverse along the edge of the mountain, searching for the tourist track we came in on. This is the first time I have had to bush bash in such a rugged environment and I must admit I am a little nervous. We stumble and struggle with urgent pace along the loose rock and plant life for an hour or so until finally we find the track. There were moments where I felt as though we were about to have a Blair witch moment but luckily we found the track. It's all smooth sailing from here.

We have a pleasant walk down the track in the dark and reach the car by 1930, relieved to be back in the relative safety of modern technology. I roll myself a well deserved cigarette and gobble down some lollies I had left in the car before our epic journey. Womby starts the car and we head off toward Brisbane. As we come into Boonah we feel its probably best if we stop at the local cafe for some serious black coffee and a muffin. Damn its hot but very good. We head off again and before I know it we have reached my house. Womby comes in with me so as we can sort through all of our gear and reappropriate each others respective equipment.

What a day. Fourteen hours from start to finish. I'm sure I'll feel it tomorrow but its all worth it.

One may ask why I subject myself to the rigors of this extreme sport. It is easy to answer. Climbing makes me feel alive.

Understanding my indecision

My indecision plagues each day I endevour to find direction life. Recently, I have been moving back and forth between the ideas of travelling to Japan or Thailand. There are pros and cons to both directions and I have - hopefully - come to a final decision.

My first option is to travel to Thailand so I can climb till my hearts content. Two months of sun, beach and rock. It sure does sound like some strange wet dream I know. Then, after I have relieved all the stress in these poor sagging limbs I want to study a Bachelor of Arts. This degree is renowned through out this great nation as the course for those lacking direction. I'm sure I have made yet another exaggeration but lets face it, a student can basically follow any line of interest in many different fields to accomplish a qualification. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up so I'll follow my nose, pick some subjects and figure the rest out later.

My second option is to travel to Japan and teach English conversation skills to the locals. Initially my reasoning was understandable. I wanted to gain some rudimentary skills in Japanese before majoring in the language for my degree. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be entitled to a holiday before having commence teaching. The experience would be invaluable and I would gain those basic Japanese language skills very quickly while still getting paid to teach. But is it really worth the effort - probably.

My house mates (well, one in particular) has had to put up with my indecision for some time now. Back and forth from one idea to the next. My mother also understands this chaotic mind of mine. Week by week I inform her of my new endevours and life missions. Each idea does have merit but none of them have really harnessed my future ambitions. Up until now, that is.

The decision to explore the vertical environment of Krabi seems to be solid as stone. I have the money and I am prepared to resign from work at the end of October. The ball is in motion and I'm ready to harness it with both hands and run like hell. So, to this brain of mine I ask; "Is this it, or do you have something else in mind?". Time will tell.

Those that know me understand that my self torment is probably to my detriment but it is my indecision and it makes me feel alive. Never except the normal and never admit to permanent satisfaction, for satisfaction can only be temporary.