My belated update of things to come

It appears now that I'll be traveling to Thailand. My flight is booked, I don't have a passport nor do I have travel insurance and I still don't know if I'll be able to fill this damn room of mine while I'm away. But all is well because I have committed to something I never thought I could do. Well actually I've always wanted to travel overseas for an extended adventure but due to my previous drugo experiences I have been somewhat of a pessimist - combined with the occasional crazy-man optimism associated with drug addiction.

I'll be traveling throughout the land of smiles for just under 3 months with only broad intentions of what I'd like to accomplish. First and foremost is the personal journey of discovery within me, followed by the experience and endeavors of learning about South East Asian cultures and people. Beyond that, I'm not to sure. This is what I like to call the miscellaneous goal. The unknown and the willingness to push through the force of unpredictability, even in the face of despair.

The personal journey for me is one of independence. An ability to be able to trust my instincts and to rely on my abilities without hesitation. A grave issue of mine for many years now has been an unwillingness to trust my thoughts. Can I accomplish the next great challenge? I think so. Will I crumble and fail? Hell no, I'm here now and I'll stand up to what ever life has to throw at me. Realistically I'm as scared as a little boy on his first day of school. This fear is one of lasting anguish, forever testing me. I feel as though my struggle up this great peak has been one of my greatest accomplishments, yet I glance over yonder only to realise I still have more horrendous peaks to climb. So, yes, I'm looking forward to this great journey but I also reside within myself and recognise that I have to overcome a my lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.

In a way I feel that by learning about foreign cultures indifferent to mine I will some how find, in me, a new idea of humanity and a way to move forward as a real person. I have always tokened a specific example to the way I feel inside. It is as though I am merely occupying this carrier I call a body, looking out of these eyes from deep within. I do not see the answers yet but time will draw them out and I may one day feel normal again. It is my friends and family that reassure me and make me feel normal and real inside- but what's real anyway? As funny as it sounds I look at this world in the same way as Neo looked at the Matrix. There must be something we are all missing. Something bigger than us. There goes my agnostic thoughts again. Maybe I can find peace in Buddhism or Islam :oP. Or perhaps I simply think to much.

Finally I come to the miscellaneous goal, which possibly refers to my previous paragraph but in more realistic terms it refers to the world around me and how I interact with it. This last year has seen me interacting with my world in a stale and unfulfilled manner. Working to live and dreading my days in a mentally unrewarding occupation. Generally the populace do exactly that. The majority are processing your paper work, cleaning your schools and institutions, selling you products and fundamentally supporting your way of life. I say no to that pathway because I want to be satisfied in my lively ambitions - I want to live to work, not work to live (not trying to criticise the majority consensus). Maybe I'm just an idealist and maybe I will forever be striving for satisfaction but I would rather strive for something than settle for something. After all satisfaction is only temporary. My confidence in that slogan is dwindling as I attempt to glance into my future. I'll be struggling with this notion for the rest of my life unless I see the beauty in simplicity and the happiness in life. Thai culture uses the term sanuk (fun) as a way of living. If something becomes mai sanuk (not fun) it is considered drudgery or mundane therefore functions using the sanuk ideology. I hope one day I might truly recognise this constructive metaphor for life. Perhaps satisfaction wont simply be temporary.

As per usual I have read to much into my thoughts. It is now that I have to strip all preconceived notions of what I believe in and start from scratch. I'm now left naked with no real idea, but a veritable melting pot of different ideologies. This is how I define the meaning of life, a sequence of mental evolutions with the aim of deciphering some great and all empowering theory of being. It just isn't possible, it's a pipe dream.

So this time, 2 months from now I'll be trekking around Thailand. It's all I can think of at the moment. I thoroughly look forward to the change in direction and the unlimited possibilities that await me. The only thing that stays the same is change (Sage Francis).

Nengi