So now I am waiting again

So now I am waiting. I have been back in Australia for over a month now. Things seem to be starting to look up. Well, for now that is. I still have a lovely gal whom I would love to see educate herself here in Brisbane. She is happy, healthy and has had some fortunate luck with current job opportunities. My occupation here in Brisbane is starting to flourish and I'm sure it will be only to soon before I am up to my neck in paper work. Finally, I have a new house mate and he is from Malaysia. I look forward to learning something about his culture and I am sure he will learn something from living within mine.

My most recent endeavor has been to make contact with my father. It has been sometime since we have spoken and I am uncertain about what our future holds. We have much to catch up on and I hope we can still have some sort of father-son relationship. Many times I have thought about my father - usually on a daily basis. I feel that our lack of contact has been the cause of much distress to myself. I still feel the impact of this distance, even though it may seem be hidden at the bottom of my emotional being. My instinctive urge to have a father is really quite strong and I feel asthough I can possibly find some sort of resolution to our past issues.

My father was always a fairly cold man. With a hectic work schedule and, possibly, unsavoury childhood came a fairly impersonal father. He was never an emotionally conscious person and usually showed his love by emphasising the need for my brother and I to make something of our lives. My personal opinion was that he looked at happiness in the shape of dollar bills and respectability. Obviously that didn't go down well when I started smoking pot. But that was not the reason we stopped communicating. I would rather keep out of it now. Actually I have a feeling I may have covered some of the details in my first couple of posts. At any cost he was not like most fathers. But that does not change the way I feel about him. He is my father and I will love him like any child loves those that have given them life.

So admittedly I am delving into an area that is probably best left out of the international lime light. Let it be known that my compultion to speak these words is simply because I have felt the strong urge to voice my opinion and tell my stories ever since I ceased talking with my father. So I ask you father to be kind and loving and don't break my heart again. I am only human and this heart will not hold well if broken too many times.

My trip to Thailand seemed to teach me a thing or two about family values. Regardless of what your family has done in the past you must accept them for what and who they are. They are your blood line and you can never forget that. Nor can you ignore them, hoping they will vanish into the abyss. So I will try hold onto those family values and try to forget, or atleast put aside, my grievances until an appropriate time. Ofcourse I have wounds that I feel need healing but I would much rather rekindle my relationship with my father so I can one day live in harmony (metaphorically speaking) with my father and the rest of my family for that matter.

This knot in my stomach is growing as we speak. I am once again facing an unknown variable in this life. Anyone would think I was getting used to it but, as it seems, I am not. This knotting slowdown in my sense of time can make work difficult but I must remember there are two sides to life: hygiene needs (food, clothing and shelter) and there are emotional needs. I must learn to separate these so as I can continue with life, even if my new endeavor turns soar.

Please grant me the strength to follow my heart and let me be compassionate and tolerant to what I may find.

Nengi.