Brisbane, Music, and Me

I thought it would be wise to complete my first post in a long time. Mostly because my last post said I wasn't so happy. These days I'm better; however, they aren't perfect. I should have started working, and I did do one day in a stressful office. I should be eating better; however, I have rekindled my love for music and have locked myself in front of my computer for the last couple of days. But lets move away from all this pessimism.

I'll start by showing off with my new Thai writing skills. สวสดีครับทูกคน ใช่ผมเขียนภาษาไทยได้.

Now for Brisbane. It is such a great city, but I feel soooo lonely of late. This is because the people I live with are always busy with science stuff, and all my other friends up and left Brisbane when I did last year. So now I ride the city by myself, which is totally rewarding because I have been without my bike all year. I may be lonely but that is still remarkably better than the anxiety and trouble of a busy school year in Brisbane.

And the music. Let me tell you about the music. I have been making music for near on 15 years, but you wouldn't know it. My lack of determination and technology has always held me back. After going to a great doof over the weekend I have re-established my love for the music. Let's just hope it lasts.

Anyway, This journal of mine is going to have to wait till I because more inspirational and prophetic. It seems that my skillful writing days are behind me. I really don't know why this is the case.

At any cost, it's nice to be back

Not so happy anymore...

So it appears, I'm not so happy anymore. And it's nobody's fault; actually, the fault for what happens in my life is ultimately my fault. But what I'm getting at is that blame between more than 1 person is dangerous, because nobody can truely see into someones mind. What's of fault to me may not be for another. But this isn't a blame game and that line of thought doesn't interest me.

Where is my head at the moment:

1. I'm not so motivated to study hard; however, my marks are OK. But ultimately, I want to be a productive student and most of all I want to see all that I can be. Especially with my language studies.

2. My emotional world is in turmoil. I need to calm my mind and focus on what is important now: School, Work, Sanity, and a living. I've got just a little while to go. Then I can move on for 3 months to come back fresh and ready to push further into this degree.

3. Economic factors are a big problem at the moment. Good thing about economic problems is that they can be overcome easily enough. However, I have noticed the effect of poverty on mental well being. I would say that financial stability plays a huge role in living a happy, whether meager or not, life.

Of course this over simplifies the answer, but I feel as though it's a start. To resolve the above would offer a good start to getting where I want to be. So there are the goals: motivate, de-emote and relax, and work on improving my financial situation, so as I can finally go to Thailand again and see what I have invested all this time for.

It's strange that I feel so scared to write what I feel on this blog again. There was a time when I was very much by myself, when I would write with most honesty to this blog. Now, I fear that I might reveal too much to those around me.

Nengi

Glad to be back. What a relief.

I feel like I am finally starting to settle back into uni life. The first couple of months has been somewhat scattered and bewildering. The arrival of my dearest, dealing with the new environment of Canberra, struggling to juggle work and school, and of course my propensity to be too self-analytical has been doing my head in.

On that note, I feel as though my obsession of self-analysis has subsided, to a degree. This new found direction probably stems from my recent chaotic environment, and my inability to sustain the cycle. Times have changed now and, after finishing my second last (and scariest) exam, I feel relaxed. I can look forward to work tomorrow, and hopefully see continuing work in the next couple of weeks. What relief it will be to account for some debts and save money for the end of the year.

I would love to head to Thailand at the end of the year. What I crave most of all is to reaffirm what I have learnt. In theory I should be able to hold a simple conversation in Thai; however, in practice the idea of talking in Thai is quite intimidating. Surely, I'm more confident now than ever, so at the end of the year I will try to leave Australia for just a little while.

I'm now aiming to connect more closely with this country that I have chosen to study. Where will my passion lie? My greatest fear is that I'll return to Thailand after all these years and be scared out of my wits. Then again, it's probably not wise to predict my future feeling so early in the piece.

This journal is been vacant for some time now. I'm glad to be back.

A Paradigm shift

As per usual I find it having been too long since my last posting. This distance has come with due cause. The holidays are here and I am tending towards something not seen in recent months. I would argue that I have been going down a moderately destructive path. My lack of direction has been concerning, and that is not the direction of school; however, my lack of direction obviously bears some subsequent effects on my work.

This change has been building for some time and I feel that these next coming weeks are a great opportunity for me to move forwards, forget the cruxes of my past and progress to a next level. This trend seems so familiar because I have been striving to find the source of my motivation for some time. Actually, whether it is motivation, will, determination is arguable. I feel it is something different. Perhaps it is a search for some sort of essence, a foundation that will bring me clarity and understanding.

"May I continue to move, without referring to trajectory. By placing my momentum in some real form to find a way through to what I would call the next paradigm..." - me

Hangng in the hall.

I have finally found a place. I'm now a resident in a student hall in Canberra. How great it feels. I finally have a place to rest my head. There are people of all walks and I must admit I look forward to meeting some of them. My 2 day search for Thai people year has come up fuitless; however, I think the future attempts may offer a little more.

My room is snug as a bug, with a basin and hot running water, bed in the corner and heaps of space for me to put my stuff. There is wireless internet downstairs and a monsterous kitchen to house around 100 people cooking at the same time.

Great experience, so far.

Getting closer to understanding

I had the strangest and most rewarding experience the other night. The Bar was open and I was taking advantage of it; Chatting on the PC and simply relaxing. All of the sudden, a lady comes around asking interesting questions.

What a lady. I obviously began with my rant about how, exactly, it was I came to choose Chinese. She went on to tell me that it was the wrong decision. She herself, did the Thai degree that I had averted following my recent heart breaking experience. It was from then that we started discussing the little intricacies of "Mueng Thai". What a place, an amazing place, quite unique. The discussion was followed by dinner at her place and me staying there the night. Don't worry, no untoward business by any means.

Following my interesting (to say the least) experience, the night before, I decided to speak the coordinator for Thai. Ms Chintana is also an impressive person. She told me of the contacts she had in Thailand. We discussed further some of those intricacies and I was hooked. Money vs Satisfaction and pride. The choice was easy.

So, to cut a long story short, Thai is the language of the day. I'm sure this recent indecision will bring more concerned thoughts; however, I believe that I am on the right (ever changing) path. I have slung a token around my neck that has been sitting in the bottom of a bag for some time now. My love for the country has been restored, thanks to an eccentric Aussie of varying descriptions. This lady seems mad as a hatter, but I would like to say this now:

"What an amazing person. One of the more interesting people I have met, and surely one of the most inspirational"

Thanks.

Beginning of O week. Soooo typical

As I would have expected, the beginning of O week, and I'm sitting in Union court by myself. Should I be expecting to meet many new friends? Well, of course not. Life is an eventful and unpredictable ride. I simply let things happen.

My time in Brisbane was more than rewarding. I met many friends and developed a fairly strong social circle. However, the ever intimidating event of meeting people during the purpose built O week seems to be beyond me at 10:30 in the morning.

I'm just looking forward to seeing some djs, that is, as long as it doesn't rain. Anyway, I'm not reading too much into it. I'm just bored because I don't have anyone to speak to. Some might say that sitting with a laptop in front of me and headphones pumping music isn't the greatest way of becoming acquainted with my new Uni.

How strange and intrusive

Last night I visited a house to see about a room. As it turns out, they are great people, the rent is cheap, and the house is relatively close to ANU. However, I was offered a yard to camp in while my potential house mates were, let me say, inebriated. So now I am here in a house, by myself, feeling terribly inadequate. Dare I say they probably feel a little concerned for their worldly possessions, considering they only met me last night.

Truthfully, I think this is a great place. I could easily foresee myself living in an environment like this for some time to come. However, the unknown response is nauseating me somewhat. I'm sure things will work out. Worse comes to worst, I can simply go back to the camp ground.

There are many more potential tenants to go through the house though, and the thought is that there is surely someone more well suited than I. Paranoia sets in and a lack of confidence in my being builds. But I can see the illusion I place before me. I need not stress about whether or not I would be more well suited to this pseudo family.

This is my first impression

4 Days in, lonely as hell

07/02/2007

The immensity of this heat is all encompassing. Today was enrolment for me and I have readied myself for a new year in uni. However, I feel like I am hanging in some sort of limbo. At the moment I am writing this entry from the laundry of the caravan park. The lack of air conditioning mixed with the unpredictable nature of moving to a city and living out of a tent is starting to take hold. Mind you, once the sun starts to go down and I build up the effort to throw some shorts on and go get something to eat. The heat is slowing me down, but I wont let that overwhelm me.

Tomorrows task is to find a place. I'll head into uni and take advantage of the air conditioning and free Internet. My mobile bill is going to sky rocket.

My previous impressions of Canberra were ill-informed and misled. As it turns out, there seems to be a lot of money here, and for such a small town, soooooo many people commuting around. The traffic to uni was nutz (it took me 25 minutes to travel about 7 kms). I have a feeling this place is going to grow on me. All I can say is that I look forward to Autumn.

First night in the small city (Our nations capital)

04/02/2007

I'm laying in my bed, hypothesising what the future may hold. Yet, I must retreat back to the feelings I had this morning, as I drove off into the distance. I have, once again, left "My Life" behind. Left those close and those special; however, the overwhelming feeling of accomplishment cannot be denied. I feel selfish, thinking that perhaps my decision should have considered other factors outside my own selfish interests.

So now, I find myself contemplating. I have said it time and time again; I'm a glutton for punishment, and my excitement is going to build. However, this change is far different from my previous move to Brisbane. It seems that Canberra is somewhat more sleepy than a move to the centre of Brisbane. I have spent the night driving around, and now my disorientation is mildly frustrating.

Ahhh well, I should have expected some confusion in the beginning, considering the random nature of my chaotic decision making process.

WOW

Jeez it's hot. I was so overwhelmed and excited to finally be in Canberra. Now, I'm just plain hot. I also don't have much time to write as I have payed 4 bucks for 30 mins. So tonight I am going to find free internet. I'm staying at the YHA for the night. Thoughts of being economical have gone out the window due to the heat and my lack of care for unpowered campsites tonight. Tomorrow is a different story, but for tonight it is good facilities and a double bed all to myself

Tomorrow is a big day. I have a room to check out, a meeting with the PM, some fireworks to explode and I'm staring in my own porn flick (jokes, jokes, jokes). But seriously, tomorrow is the start of something big, and from what I can gather, I may be living in a tent for a little while longer than I first expected. It turns out there is an accomodation shortage in this dang territory.

Anyways, gots to post before my time runs out.

Catcha

Again, again, again

Ok so, I know I have been renowned for my indecision and my tendency to make major choices in the shortest of time. But hell, I don't need to explain my choice to anyone but "her". I hope my justification was enough. It pains my heart to leave you.

As of Next Sunday I'll be in Canberra, trusting that my little $1500 car makes it. How painstaking it will be.

I think one of my greatest regrets is not taking the opportunity to see Dad. I had all the time in the world. But now im gone. Well, Canberra isn't so far away.

Should I stay or should I go?

Surely now is the time to update my journal of life. I fear my writing skills have failed me; however, my delays to this blog have been long lived and I must continue now. I'll try to move back to my old ways of regular updates. A general overview. It's the beginning of 2007, I'm once again lost in the confusion of what to do. My return home has given me an inclination to settle (I feel terribly guilty, considering my family in QLD has just taken some of my stuff to Canberra). Fact is that reasons for staying in Melbourne are surmounting. Seeing my family has brought interests in stability. Mum is definitely interested in me staying in Melbourne. I'm starting to agree with her as I have already spent 2 years away from home. What I find most intriguing is my sudden interest in settling. Previously, I have wanted to continue my momentum by moving around and experiencing new places and people. Now, the idea of resting my travelling legs seems to be grounding and enticing. Second is my new found relationship. What a great Gal. I wont say too much, except that I met her a couple of years ago and now her being a part of my life has obviously influenced my decision to stay.

Thirdly, the simple transition from continual discovery, while in Brisbane, has been moving at the least. I have learnt much in the last 2 years; however, what I haven't learnt is how to stay still and reflect in the here and now. For too long I have looked too far forwards, never thinking about what I have in front of me.

At the end of the day, I still want to learn Chinese; I still want to see the world, and live in a culture outside my own; but most importantly, I want to have people I care about around me. I fear that my continual momentum will remove me from those I love and care for.

hahaha and to think I was getting comfortable with the status quo. My state of affairs have changed again. As per usual. Could I expect anything different.