1 week back and I can surely say I am .........

I must admit that now I am probably more confused than ever. I came back with no money and a debt the size of my credit card. The has never been a time in my life when I have been this poor. Really, it is almost liberating when you don't consider the charity one must hope for in my situation. So in actual fact I am rather morose at the moment. My family has come through for me as usual and I am so grateful and humbled by their compassion. I just wish I could do something more for them. At present I'm not working and simply waiting for a call from my perspective ex-employer. I feel a great deal of pride when I think about the family of work colleges I have managed to acquire.

As it turns out I may be working back in Brisbane again. Grateful as I am I still feel reluctant to leave my family once again but we must follow our destiny and if that means heading on up to Brisvegas then I must. Uni starts in July and I am very much looking forward to learning once again. It has been some time since the old days of drug induced University. I don't intend on going back to my old ways but I do intend on trying very hard to get a good education. My interest in Uni is very much aimed at giving me the mental resources to work in a foreign country. Hopefully I can start to learn Thai but I am concerned I may not be able to at my selected Uni. We will just have to see. At the moment my priorities are set and my mission is clear. Work, clear my debts, try to save some money and start Uni.

Na and I miss eachother very much but the distance has surely stirred up its fair share of confusion. My situation doesn't only affect my life. It has an impact on all those around me. I'm faced with mounting tension and confusion as I try to predict the unpredictable - once again. Na is on the move very soon and should be in Chiang Mai by morning. From there the world is her oyster. I really look forward to seeing her flourish over the next coming months. The stories will be fascinating as will my own. I type this with a smile on my face because the two of us have been through so much in such a short amount of time. My adventure in Thailand was very much a non-working holiday. Na and I have been slipping away into a vast realm of stagnant relaxation followed by intense 12 hr bus rides and general unknown circumstances. Now we finally have the opportunity to make something for ourselves. I'm optimistic for the future regardless of the outcome as I know things can only go up when you have come down this far.

As per usual I find myself being moderately pessimistic. My trip was supposed to be an amazing adventure and I was looking forward to meeting people from all over the world. Fact is that I didn't really meet that many people at all. Yes, it was amazing and very eye opening but it wasn't at all like the common backpacker experience I envisaged. Never will I regret it but it has surely been trying on my emotions. I have learnt so much about the people, the land, the culture and the life styles of many different individuals. Some is good and some is bad but as the saying goes, "No one is perfect; sometimes good, sometimes bad". As mentioned, I am looking forward to the next coming months, more so because I have come to such a low at the moment that I must do something positive with my life.

I will be riddled with this unknown confusion for some time. Hopefully I can find a positive resolution in the near future. I must admit that I feel more like Nengi now than I ever have. Coming back to Melbourne has been a very interesting experience. There are people here that I haven't seen for over a year and perhaps I might be leaving them once again to follow this destiny of mine. I feel real for the first time in a long time - still, only to an extent.

"....gone are the days of my being inside a carrier. I am now me and I can feel it growing" -Nengi

Nengisuls