Hiding behind the bullshit

Am I hiding reality behind words?

As I write I start to feel as sense of pointlessness to the 'words' I write. They are a medium that decieves and deuludes those that read them. I argue that those reading my posts probably don't quite understand the true nature of my meaning; actually, I think I mask my emotional states and actions behind that rationalism I act out in my daily life.

Even these words I write now are me trying to orchestrate some constructive means of discovery; however, when I look deep down, what I am missing is the essense of my life - decisions, emotions, actions, and so many things I can't quite pin-point. And this distance is pushing me further and further away from the possible truth. Admittadly, this discussion is pushing me to the boundaries of a an identity crisis.

I dare not ask that anyone understand what I am speaking of. All I want is to know that I might find out if my extreme endevours to council, in the form of prose, are productive. My fear is that I am pushing further and further from a reality that lies just outside my written perspective.

My pride for writing well has now betrayed my senses and rationality. As I say, by writing you can decieve the masses by appearing as the honest victor, when in actual fact the truth is hidden behind numerous layers of bullshit.

However, at the end of the day, I have embarked on a discourse that seems impossible cease. This paradoxial situation has led me to a horrific and never ending path of self distructive prose. But I love it. I love the idea that my writing can form a cohesive structure. It is a thing of beauty, even if it is not the true representation. I am sure my rationale is decieving me as I type, but perhaps I will find 'enlightenment' at the end of this immensely lengthy tunnel.

I feel there is something there, just outside my conscious sphere, that I am missing. Something just there, yet so far from me. I just can't quite grasp it. These lines of bullshit seem to be the never ending quest to find some holy grail that isn't actually there. Or, maybe my quest discover true meaning is so far removed from my 'meaningful statements' that I need not bother. I should live in ignorance of the truth of my being and come to the final conclusion that a confident front is far more pragmatic than a mislead and misguided path to self-distruction.

HAHAHAHHAHAA I'm sure those close to me would have preffered a more coherent post, and I hope someone can understand the nodal shift I am moving through at the moment. To say that I am no longer coherent or rational is false. I am 'with it'. I understand the difference between good and bad, and the meaning of motivation to survive. I am simply strivomg to discover more than that which I know. I really feel the need to find the truth behind all this bullshit. I use the term bullshit in 2 ways: Firstly, to understand the difference between these 'meaningful statement' and my actual reality; and secondly, to understand this truth that I so dearly seek. I still don't quite completely understand what I am seeking.

Damn I think too much. Slap me.

I am struggling to find my purpose. My recent brake up, continual moves, lack of social groups and the continued changing and randomness, has left me feeling stranded, with no real interest in where I would like to end up.

Understandably, once someone has children their purpose is clear. Also, the purpose of a child, teenager or new adult is specified by their current interest. But I find myself questioning more than how I can simply enjoy life and feel fulfilled. Is it enough to say I want to live in another country? Will I be happy once I complete my degree? Will life in Thailand fulfill my intentions? I am still committed to my cause. But what is that cause?

These questions are philosophical and psychological in content, and cannot be answered so simply. This analysis makes me think that I should remove some of these layers of complexity that I place on myself. After all, someone can be happy living the most simple of lives. Why should I insist on some sort of enlightenment of satisfaction?

Too many big questions. Maybe I could put this recent spell down to my mourning for the loss of my GF. Hopefully, my time in Melbourne will change my outlook.

And a final big question. Thai or Chinese? Which language? Both are pretty cool.

Ahh reflection

I feel much more at peace today. Yesterday was the pinnacle of a stage in my life that has given me closure. I can look forward now, not back. I can move on without fear of leaving something behind. The future is uncertain but I am satisfied.

My persistance to fend off criticism in the face of obvious deception was simply due to my human instinct to be wanted. Perhaps that is something I have learnt. I wont always be alone, even if it seems like I may never find what I am looking for. Time will tell and I'm almost certain that my future will be filled with love and companionship. In what form? I dare not speculate.

"...life goes on. Always Look forwards, never surender, never give up, and never regret. PRESEPADA FOREVER."

Thanks Joe Frog. You are an inspiration to us all.

A semi conclusive result

What have I become? I'm mourning the symbolic loss of 'my dearest' yet it has been 8 months since I have been in her presence. I cannot stop thinking about how my future might have been different if other choices had been made. Surely I am a glutton for punishment, but that is a characteristic I choose to renounce from here on. I would like my decisions to be wiser and less risk based, but I fear that this course of action would lead to a stifling of my fascination with my edge of life attitude.

So, in a nut shell, she isn't coming. The deception makes me utterly bitter, but I still feel such a strong affection for her, and I wouldn't dare criticise her out right. Why? It was a less than model relationship, filled with turmoil, forgiveness, and anguish. Yet, I persisted, even when all seemed lost, when those around me told me to 'cut and run'. But if I subscribe to the concept of 'no regrets' I must accept what has happened. I feel that my optimistic 'no regrets' and 'glutton for punishment' beliefs are starting to crumple like some fragile paper plane. No longer will this plane fly as I am now resembling a bitter soul with little enthusiasm or trust for the words I receive.

Can I ever trust again? Yes, for I am, unfortunately, a trusting person, even in the face of obvious deception - if there is such a thing. I trust because I believe that all people want is to be trusted. My err is that I ignore the obvious attempts to sway my judgment in a manner that I dare not choose, if I were to be rationally minded.

My depression has once again arose to be a mortifying force in my daily activities. I no longer feel the positive essence flowing though this lifeless body and all I can hope for is a painless month's end to the semester. However, now is when I must be at the top of my game; final essays, exams and attendance are the order of the day. I should focus and immerse myself in the labyrinth of knowledge but my mind is on a journey and I don't feel like I have been invited. Something in me is missing, and perhaps it is her - perhaps it is not.

At any extent, I can look forward to completing this semester. I will head back to my roots and find old memories that have been locked away for some time. My detachment from my old life has been detrimental to my well being, yet has also enhanced my worldly point of view. My imagination runs wild as I contemplate the events of the next 4 months. But at the moment I have not got the energy to push. Maybe I need to recognise my current loss and feel it like a thousand weights of the world before I can recover sufficiently.

My decision to stick with Thai language in Canberra has eventually been based on my fascination with Asia. A seemingly logical deduction resulting in a choice of language. Thailand is a beautiful place and the language fascinates me. So, following my stay in Melbourne I will be heading to Canberra to begin my 'Bachelor of Asian Studies (Specialist) Thai'. My enthusiasm elevates slightly as I contemplate my educational future, but it is still not enough to put a smile on my face.

Then again, maybe today is just a bad day.