Hiding behind the bullshit

Am I hiding reality behind words?

As I write I start to feel as sense of pointlessness to the 'words' I write. They are a medium that decieves and deuludes those that read them. I argue that those reading my posts probably don't quite understand the true nature of my meaning; actually, I think I mask my emotional states and actions behind that rationalism I act out in my daily life.

Even these words I write now are me trying to orchestrate some constructive means of discovery; however, when I look deep down, what I am missing is the essense of my life - decisions, emotions, actions, and so many things I can't quite pin-point. And this distance is pushing me further and further away from the possible truth. Admittadly, this discussion is pushing me to the boundaries of a an identity crisis.

I dare not ask that anyone understand what I am speaking of. All I want is to know that I might find out if my extreme endevours to council, in the form of prose, are productive. My fear is that I am pushing further and further from a reality that lies just outside my written perspective.

My pride for writing well has now betrayed my senses and rationality. As I say, by writing you can decieve the masses by appearing as the honest victor, when in actual fact the truth is hidden behind numerous layers of bullshit.

However, at the end of the day, I have embarked on a discourse that seems impossible cease. This paradoxial situation has led me to a horrific and never ending path of self distructive prose. But I love it. I love the idea that my writing can form a cohesive structure. It is a thing of beauty, even if it is not the true representation. I am sure my rationale is decieving me as I type, but perhaps I will find 'enlightenment' at the end of this immensely lengthy tunnel.

I feel there is something there, just outside my conscious sphere, that I am missing. Something just there, yet so far from me. I just can't quite grasp it. These lines of bullshit seem to be the never ending quest to find some holy grail that isn't actually there. Or, maybe my quest discover true meaning is so far removed from my 'meaningful statements' that I need not bother. I should live in ignorance of the truth of my being and come to the final conclusion that a confident front is far more pragmatic than a mislead and misguided path to self-distruction.

HAHAHAHHAHAA I'm sure those close to me would have preffered a more coherent post, and I hope someone can understand the nodal shift I am moving through at the moment. To say that I am no longer coherent or rational is false. I am 'with it'. I understand the difference between good and bad, and the meaning of motivation to survive. I am simply strivomg to discover more than that which I know. I really feel the need to find the truth behind all this bullshit. I use the term bullshit in 2 ways: Firstly, to understand the difference between these 'meaningful statement' and my actual reality; and secondly, to understand this truth that I so dearly seek. I still don't quite completely understand what I am seeking.