A semi conclusive result

What have I become? I'm mourning the symbolic loss of 'my dearest' yet it has been 8 months since I have been in her presence. I cannot stop thinking about how my future might have been different if other choices had been made. Surely I am a glutton for punishment, but that is a characteristic I choose to renounce from here on. I would like my decisions to be wiser and less risk based, but I fear that this course of action would lead to a stifling of my fascination with my edge of life attitude.

So, in a nut shell, she isn't coming. The deception makes me utterly bitter, but I still feel such a strong affection for her, and I wouldn't dare criticise her out right. Why? It was a less than model relationship, filled with turmoil, forgiveness, and anguish. Yet, I persisted, even when all seemed lost, when those around me told me to 'cut and run'. But if I subscribe to the concept of 'no regrets' I must accept what has happened. I feel that my optimistic 'no regrets' and 'glutton for punishment' beliefs are starting to crumple like some fragile paper plane. No longer will this plane fly as I am now resembling a bitter soul with little enthusiasm or trust for the words I receive.

Can I ever trust again? Yes, for I am, unfortunately, a trusting person, even in the face of obvious deception - if there is such a thing. I trust because I believe that all people want is to be trusted. My err is that I ignore the obvious attempts to sway my judgment in a manner that I dare not choose, if I were to be rationally minded.

My depression has once again arose to be a mortifying force in my daily activities. I no longer feel the positive essence flowing though this lifeless body and all I can hope for is a painless month's end to the semester. However, now is when I must be at the top of my game; final essays, exams and attendance are the order of the day. I should focus and immerse myself in the labyrinth of knowledge but my mind is on a journey and I don't feel like I have been invited. Something in me is missing, and perhaps it is her - perhaps it is not.

At any extent, I can look forward to completing this semester. I will head back to my roots and find old memories that have been locked away for some time. My detachment from my old life has been detrimental to my well being, yet has also enhanced my worldly point of view. My imagination runs wild as I contemplate the events of the next 4 months. But at the moment I have not got the energy to push. Maybe I need to recognise my current loss and feel it like a thousand weights of the world before I can recover sufficiently.

My decision to stick with Thai language in Canberra has eventually been based on my fascination with Asia. A seemingly logical deduction resulting in a choice of language. Thailand is a beautiful place and the language fascinates me. So, following my stay in Melbourne I will be heading to Canberra to begin my 'Bachelor of Asian Studies (Specialist) Thai'. My enthusiasm elevates slightly as I contemplate my educational future, but it is still not enough to put a smile on my face.

Then again, maybe today is just a bad day.