Save some face good boy....

So here I am. Becoming a new person while retaining all those unique qualities I pertain to. And how do I feel? Well, for the moment I feel good. The time has come for me to be glad I am here in the now and present. As my good friend said, "Avoid the FaultFinding Feel Goods and All Unnecessary, Non-productiveNegativity". And how right he is. If anything my health is good, I can make the effort to avoid those things that take me back to bad states, and move on with the assurance that I need not be apprehensive of what might become.

In all honesty, I am fine. My problem is that I read too much into my being, and I also allow those negative things to influence my present state. Oh, and I like to talk a bit of crap when it comes to my blog.

I'm sooooo proud that I can finally come back here and write. It has been a long time since I had the motivation to write in my blog. And I think the reason is because I was fearful that people wouldn't want to hear about my less than satisfactory circumstances - or that I might find it humiliating to express how my life was playing out.

So I'll leave it at that with a quote from my good friend:

"Secrets for a Happy Life... Be Guided by Goodness,Fuel Your Life and Your Work With Fun, Avoid the FaultFinding Feel Goods and All Unnecessary, Non-productiveNegativity, Choose Your Mood and Your Attitude, MoveFrom Problems To Solutions Quickly, Have HighIntegrity...." -Anon

Karma and moments

This is a post from a distant place. However, not so far away is this old life of mine. I have been coming to this point for some time. And, perhaps there was no way of knowing it was coming to this, but I still feel like it has crept up on me from behind and socked me in the back of the head.


I have been amazed that after all this time, so many things could go wrong. Of course I should have seen this coming a long time ago. It is funny how the mind can be clouded by the present, and that hind sight is such an unknown parameter that it is impossible to track. My dark path has led me astray for so long now, and it is finally time to pay my debt of gratitude to this world.


I think what fooled me for so long was the fact that I do have some intellect; however, intellect alone still does not guarantee wisdom. But what is wisdom? It is definitely scalable, and comes in peaks and troughs. There have been moments where I have been so sure of my path and my direction; and then, there have been moments of sheer despair; where, nothing counts and I cannot adhere to a single logical mind.

So, now I aim to pay back my debt, to not take this world, or myself, for granted. Being true to one's self can mean many things. And, in my case, it means that I can't fool myself into a sense of wisdom by mistaking that for some lucky genetics. After all, my genetics brought me to this conundrum.

My latest visit to the wat (temple) in Canberra

What a great process of healing. I still feel immense pain at the moment. However, unlike before where I was unable to control myself, sneaking around on unhealthy pursuits for something I can never attain, nor should I want to; now, I feel the pain but know that there are certain actions that should take place to move forward into the next stage of my life. It still makes me a little uncomfortable to face this new challenge, for it means that I can never attain what I had over the last year. Even the simple fact that I'm finally writing in my blog after such a long time shows that what occurred over the last year was monumental slow down in my lively progression. And now I approach my new life with apprehension, but also with some curiosity.

The wat in Canberra is a somewhat more modern architectural design, but it isn't the design that makes a spiritual place. I felt terrible that I couldn't bring food for the monks and I wasn't sure if I would feel welcome (crazy, I know, because there probably isn't a temple in this world that wouldn't be happy to welcome any new visitors). I am still learning the art and practice of Buddhist worship or fellowship if you will. It's strange to feel some uneasiness in the temple because I'm embarrassed at how little I know. It was a beautiful experience and I am in the process of becoming better because of my new found direction.

Things aren't ok, but hopefully soon they will be. I need to move beyond this paradigm (being my current social network, my current way of viewing certain people, and these negative thoughts towards certain people which just wont leave my active mind - which I might add are mostly unjustified).

Look forward to the future, embrace the past, but don't let the past dictate my future actions. The time is now and I can't let my past plague what happens next.

A Paradigm Shift

Undeniably, this is one of those moments in life that will dictate what happens in my future. I really am quite scared about my future. But, to that extent I feel like this is a moment that may have need to occur for me to better myself in the future. Some might call it a break down of some sort, and I would too. My motivation has dropped to bare minimum, and I feel like I have lost any social ability I previously had. Confidence plays a large part in my diminished state and I need to move beyond this.

I always professed to be a solitary creature. However, now I find that this mentality has been a denial of myself. I only wish I could have done things differently over the years. As I reflect on my past I don't feel great pride. And why is this so? I have accomplished many things in my time, but these accomplishments have usually come hand in hand with certain miserable failures.

So what is for the future? Is this the time when I can seriously move on to a greater moment in my life? To visit a place where finances are not a worry, and where I can start to build on more intimate relationships, while not sacrificing myself in the process. Have I sacrificed too much for those around me? Kind of, but this has also led me to great poverty because I am now unable to support myself. Things are changing, and I now have a permanent job; however, the road is long and I don't foresee myself recovering to some satisfactory level for some time.

Please give me the grace to benefit my own life as well as supporting those loved ones close and far. Please let me be brave in the face of this adversity and allow me to stop making so many stupid decisions.

Love you mum....