Undeniably, this is one of those moments in life that will dictate what happens in my future. I really am quite scared about my future. But, to that extent I feel like this is a moment that may have need to occur for me to better myself in the future. Some might call it a break down of some sort, and I would too. My motivation has dropped to bare minimum, and I feel like I have lost any social ability I previously had. Confidence plays a large part in my diminished state and I need to move beyond this.
I always professed to be a solitary creature. However, now I find that this mentality has been a denial of myself. I only wish I could have done things differently over the years. As I reflect on my past I don't feel great pride. And why is this so? I have accomplished many things in my time, but these accomplishments have usually come hand in hand with certain miserable failures.
So what is for the future? Is this the time when I can seriously move on to a greater moment in my life? To visit a place where finances are not a worry, and where I can start to build on more intimate relationships, while not sacrificing myself in the process. Have I sacrificed too much for those around me? Kind of, but this has also led me to great poverty because I am now unable to support myself. Things are changing, and I now have a permanent job; however, the road is long and I don't foresee myself recovering to some satisfactory level for some time.
Please give me the grace to benefit my own life as well as supporting those loved ones close and far. Please let me be brave in the face of this adversity and allow me to stop making so many stupid decisions.
Love you mum....
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