Save some face good boy....

So here I am. Becoming a new person while retaining all those unique qualities I pertain to. And how do I feel? Well, for the moment I feel good. The time has come for me to be glad I am here in the now and present. As my good friend said, "Avoid the FaultFinding Feel Goods and All Unnecessary, Non-productiveNegativity". And how right he is. If anything my health is good, I can make the effort to avoid those things that take me back to bad states, and move on with the assurance that I need not be apprehensive of what might become.

In all honesty, I am fine. My problem is that I read too much into my being, and I also allow those negative things to influence my present state. Oh, and I like to talk a bit of crap when it comes to my blog.

I'm sooooo proud that I can finally come back here and write. It has been a long time since I had the motivation to write in my blog. And I think the reason is because I was fearful that people wouldn't want to hear about my less than satisfactory circumstances - or that I might find it humiliating to express how my life was playing out.

So I'll leave it at that with a quote from my good friend:

"Secrets for a Happy Life... Be Guided by Goodness,Fuel Your Life and Your Work With Fun, Avoid the FaultFinding Feel Goods and All Unnecessary, Non-productiveNegativity, Choose Your Mood and Your Attitude, MoveFrom Problems To Solutions Quickly, Have HighIntegrity...." -Anon

Karma and moments

This is a post from a distant place. However, not so far away is this old life of mine. I have been coming to this point for some time. And, perhaps there was no way of knowing it was coming to this, but I still feel like it has crept up on me from behind and socked me in the back of the head.


I have been amazed that after all this time, so many things could go wrong. Of course I should have seen this coming a long time ago. It is funny how the mind can be clouded by the present, and that hind sight is such an unknown parameter that it is impossible to track. My dark path has led me astray for so long now, and it is finally time to pay my debt of gratitude to this world.


I think what fooled me for so long was the fact that I do have some intellect; however, intellect alone still does not guarantee wisdom. But what is wisdom? It is definitely scalable, and comes in peaks and troughs. There have been moments where I have been so sure of my path and my direction; and then, there have been moments of sheer despair; where, nothing counts and I cannot adhere to a single logical mind.

So, now I aim to pay back my debt, to not take this world, or myself, for granted. Being true to one's self can mean many things. And, in my case, it means that I can't fool myself into a sense of wisdom by mistaking that for some lucky genetics. After all, my genetics brought me to this conundrum.

My latest visit to the wat (temple) in Canberra

What a great process of healing. I still feel immense pain at the moment. However, unlike before where I was unable to control myself, sneaking around on unhealthy pursuits for something I can never attain, nor should I want to; now, I feel the pain but know that there are certain actions that should take place to move forward into the next stage of my life. It still makes me a little uncomfortable to face this new challenge, for it means that I can never attain what I had over the last year. Even the simple fact that I'm finally writing in my blog after such a long time shows that what occurred over the last year was monumental slow down in my lively progression. And now I approach my new life with apprehension, but also with some curiosity.

The wat in Canberra is a somewhat more modern architectural design, but it isn't the design that makes a spiritual place. I felt terrible that I couldn't bring food for the monks and I wasn't sure if I would feel welcome (crazy, I know, because there probably isn't a temple in this world that wouldn't be happy to welcome any new visitors). I am still learning the art and practice of Buddhist worship or fellowship if you will. It's strange to feel some uneasiness in the temple because I'm embarrassed at how little I know. It was a beautiful experience and I am in the process of becoming better because of my new found direction.

Things aren't ok, but hopefully soon they will be. I need to move beyond this paradigm (being my current social network, my current way of viewing certain people, and these negative thoughts towards certain people which just wont leave my active mind - which I might add are mostly unjustified).

Look forward to the future, embrace the past, but don't let the past dictate my future actions. The time is now and I can't let my past plague what happens next.

A Paradigm Shift

Undeniably, this is one of those moments in life that will dictate what happens in my future. I really am quite scared about my future. But, to that extent I feel like this is a moment that may have need to occur for me to better myself in the future. Some might call it a break down of some sort, and I would too. My motivation has dropped to bare minimum, and I feel like I have lost any social ability I previously had. Confidence plays a large part in my diminished state and I need to move beyond this.

I always professed to be a solitary creature. However, now I find that this mentality has been a denial of myself. I only wish I could have done things differently over the years. As I reflect on my past I don't feel great pride. And why is this so? I have accomplished many things in my time, but these accomplishments have usually come hand in hand with certain miserable failures.

So what is for the future? Is this the time when I can seriously move on to a greater moment in my life? To visit a place where finances are not a worry, and where I can start to build on more intimate relationships, while not sacrificing myself in the process. Have I sacrificed too much for those around me? Kind of, but this has also led me to great poverty because I am now unable to support myself. Things are changing, and I now have a permanent job; however, the road is long and I don't foresee myself recovering to some satisfactory level for some time.

Please give me the grace to benefit my own life as well as supporting those loved ones close and far. Please let me be brave in the face of this adversity and allow me to stop making so many stupid decisions.

Love you mum....

Brisbane, Music, and Me

I thought it would be wise to complete my first post in a long time. Mostly because my last post said I wasn't so happy. These days I'm better; however, they aren't perfect. I should have started working, and I did do one day in a stressful office. I should be eating better; however, I have rekindled my love for music and have locked myself in front of my computer for the last couple of days. But lets move away from all this pessimism.

I'll start by showing off with my new Thai writing skills. สวสดีครับทูกคน ใช่ผมเขียนภาษาไทยได้.

Now for Brisbane. It is such a great city, but I feel soooo lonely of late. This is because the people I live with are always busy with science stuff, and all my other friends up and left Brisbane when I did last year. So now I ride the city by myself, which is totally rewarding because I have been without my bike all year. I may be lonely but that is still remarkably better than the anxiety and trouble of a busy school year in Brisbane.

And the music. Let me tell you about the music. I have been making music for near on 15 years, but you wouldn't know it. My lack of determination and technology has always held me back. After going to a great doof over the weekend I have re-established my love for the music. Let's just hope it lasts.

Anyway, This journal of mine is going to have to wait till I because more inspirational and prophetic. It seems that my skillful writing days are behind me. I really don't know why this is the case.

At any cost, it's nice to be back

Not so happy anymore...

So it appears, I'm not so happy anymore. And it's nobody's fault; actually, the fault for what happens in my life is ultimately my fault. But what I'm getting at is that blame between more than 1 person is dangerous, because nobody can truely see into someones mind. What's of fault to me may not be for another. But this isn't a blame game and that line of thought doesn't interest me.

Where is my head at the moment:

1. I'm not so motivated to study hard; however, my marks are OK. But ultimately, I want to be a productive student and most of all I want to see all that I can be. Especially with my language studies.

2. My emotional world is in turmoil. I need to calm my mind and focus on what is important now: School, Work, Sanity, and a living. I've got just a little while to go. Then I can move on for 3 months to come back fresh and ready to push further into this degree.

3. Economic factors are a big problem at the moment. Good thing about economic problems is that they can be overcome easily enough. However, I have noticed the effect of poverty on mental well being. I would say that financial stability plays a huge role in living a happy, whether meager or not, life.

Of course this over simplifies the answer, but I feel as though it's a start. To resolve the above would offer a good start to getting where I want to be. So there are the goals: motivate, de-emote and relax, and work on improving my financial situation, so as I can finally go to Thailand again and see what I have invested all this time for.

It's strange that I feel so scared to write what I feel on this blog again. There was a time when I was very much by myself, when I would write with most honesty to this blog. Now, I fear that I might reveal too much to those around me.

Nengi

Glad to be back. What a relief.

I feel like I am finally starting to settle back into uni life. The first couple of months has been somewhat scattered and bewildering. The arrival of my dearest, dealing with the new environment of Canberra, struggling to juggle work and school, and of course my propensity to be too self-analytical has been doing my head in.

On that note, I feel as though my obsession of self-analysis has subsided, to a degree. This new found direction probably stems from my recent chaotic environment, and my inability to sustain the cycle. Times have changed now and, after finishing my second last (and scariest) exam, I feel relaxed. I can look forward to work tomorrow, and hopefully see continuing work in the next couple of weeks. What relief it will be to account for some debts and save money for the end of the year.

I would love to head to Thailand at the end of the year. What I crave most of all is to reaffirm what I have learnt. In theory I should be able to hold a simple conversation in Thai; however, in practice the idea of talking in Thai is quite intimidating. Surely, I'm more confident now than ever, so at the end of the year I will try to leave Australia for just a little while.

I'm now aiming to connect more closely with this country that I have chosen to study. Where will my passion lie? My greatest fear is that I'll return to Thailand after all these years and be scared out of my wits. Then again, it's probably not wise to predict my future feeling so early in the piece.

This journal is been vacant for some time now. I'm glad to be back.

A Paradigm shift

As per usual I find it having been too long since my last posting. This distance has come with due cause. The holidays are here and I am tending towards something not seen in recent months. I would argue that I have been going down a moderately destructive path. My lack of direction has been concerning, and that is not the direction of school; however, my lack of direction obviously bears some subsequent effects on my work.

This change has been building for some time and I feel that these next coming weeks are a great opportunity for me to move forwards, forget the cruxes of my past and progress to a next level. This trend seems so familiar because I have been striving to find the source of my motivation for some time. Actually, whether it is motivation, will, determination is arguable. I feel it is something different. Perhaps it is a search for some sort of essence, a foundation that will bring me clarity and understanding.

"May I continue to move, without referring to trajectory. By placing my momentum in some real form to find a way through to what I would call the next paradigm..." - me

Hangng in the hall.

I have finally found a place. I'm now a resident in a student hall in Canberra. How great it feels. I finally have a place to rest my head. There are people of all walks and I must admit I look forward to meeting some of them. My 2 day search for Thai people year has come up fuitless; however, I think the future attempts may offer a little more.

My room is snug as a bug, with a basin and hot running water, bed in the corner and heaps of space for me to put my stuff. There is wireless internet downstairs and a monsterous kitchen to house around 100 people cooking at the same time.

Great experience, so far.

Getting closer to understanding

I had the strangest and most rewarding experience the other night. The Bar was open and I was taking advantage of it; Chatting on the PC and simply relaxing. All of the sudden, a lady comes around asking interesting questions.

What a lady. I obviously began with my rant about how, exactly, it was I came to choose Chinese. She went on to tell me that it was the wrong decision. She herself, did the Thai degree that I had averted following my recent heart breaking experience. It was from then that we started discussing the little intricacies of "Mueng Thai". What a place, an amazing place, quite unique. The discussion was followed by dinner at her place and me staying there the night. Don't worry, no untoward business by any means.

Following my interesting (to say the least) experience, the night before, I decided to speak the coordinator for Thai. Ms Chintana is also an impressive person. She told me of the contacts she had in Thailand. We discussed further some of those intricacies and I was hooked. Money vs Satisfaction and pride. The choice was easy.

So, to cut a long story short, Thai is the language of the day. I'm sure this recent indecision will bring more concerned thoughts; however, I believe that I am on the right (ever changing) path. I have slung a token around my neck that has been sitting in the bottom of a bag for some time now. My love for the country has been restored, thanks to an eccentric Aussie of varying descriptions. This lady seems mad as a hatter, but I would like to say this now:

"What an amazing person. One of the more interesting people I have met, and surely one of the most inspirational"

Thanks.

Beginning of O week. Soooo typical

As I would have expected, the beginning of O week, and I'm sitting in Union court by myself. Should I be expecting to meet many new friends? Well, of course not. Life is an eventful and unpredictable ride. I simply let things happen.

My time in Brisbane was more than rewarding. I met many friends and developed a fairly strong social circle. However, the ever intimidating event of meeting people during the purpose built O week seems to be beyond me at 10:30 in the morning.

I'm just looking forward to seeing some djs, that is, as long as it doesn't rain. Anyway, I'm not reading too much into it. I'm just bored because I don't have anyone to speak to. Some might say that sitting with a laptop in front of me and headphones pumping music isn't the greatest way of becoming acquainted with my new Uni.

How strange and intrusive

Last night I visited a house to see about a room. As it turns out, they are great people, the rent is cheap, and the house is relatively close to ANU. However, I was offered a yard to camp in while my potential house mates were, let me say, inebriated. So now I am here in a house, by myself, feeling terribly inadequate. Dare I say they probably feel a little concerned for their worldly possessions, considering they only met me last night.

Truthfully, I think this is a great place. I could easily foresee myself living in an environment like this for some time to come. However, the unknown response is nauseating me somewhat. I'm sure things will work out. Worse comes to worst, I can simply go back to the camp ground.

There are many more potential tenants to go through the house though, and the thought is that there is surely someone more well suited than I. Paranoia sets in and a lack of confidence in my being builds. But I can see the illusion I place before me. I need not stress about whether or not I would be more well suited to this pseudo family.

This is my first impression

4 Days in, lonely as hell

07/02/2007

The immensity of this heat is all encompassing. Today was enrolment for me and I have readied myself for a new year in uni. However, I feel like I am hanging in some sort of limbo. At the moment I am writing this entry from the laundry of the caravan park. The lack of air conditioning mixed with the unpredictable nature of moving to a city and living out of a tent is starting to take hold. Mind you, once the sun starts to go down and I build up the effort to throw some shorts on and go get something to eat. The heat is slowing me down, but I wont let that overwhelm me.

Tomorrows task is to find a place. I'll head into uni and take advantage of the air conditioning and free Internet. My mobile bill is going to sky rocket.

My previous impressions of Canberra were ill-informed and misled. As it turns out, there seems to be a lot of money here, and for such a small town, soooooo many people commuting around. The traffic to uni was nutz (it took me 25 minutes to travel about 7 kms). I have a feeling this place is going to grow on me. All I can say is that I look forward to Autumn.

First night in the small city (Our nations capital)

04/02/2007

I'm laying in my bed, hypothesising what the future may hold. Yet, I must retreat back to the feelings I had this morning, as I drove off into the distance. I have, once again, left "My Life" behind. Left those close and those special; however, the overwhelming feeling of accomplishment cannot be denied. I feel selfish, thinking that perhaps my decision should have considered other factors outside my own selfish interests.

So now, I find myself contemplating. I have said it time and time again; I'm a glutton for punishment, and my excitement is going to build. However, this change is far different from my previous move to Brisbane. It seems that Canberra is somewhat more sleepy than a move to the centre of Brisbane. I have spent the night driving around, and now my disorientation is mildly frustrating.

Ahhh well, I should have expected some confusion in the beginning, considering the random nature of my chaotic decision making process.

WOW

Jeez it's hot. I was so overwhelmed and excited to finally be in Canberra. Now, I'm just plain hot. I also don't have much time to write as I have payed 4 bucks for 30 mins. So tonight I am going to find free internet. I'm staying at the YHA for the night. Thoughts of being economical have gone out the window due to the heat and my lack of care for unpowered campsites tonight. Tomorrow is a different story, but for tonight it is good facilities and a double bed all to myself

Tomorrow is a big day. I have a room to check out, a meeting with the PM, some fireworks to explode and I'm staring in my own porn flick (jokes, jokes, jokes). But seriously, tomorrow is the start of something big, and from what I can gather, I may be living in a tent for a little while longer than I first expected. It turns out there is an accomodation shortage in this dang territory.

Anyways, gots to post before my time runs out.

Catcha

Again, again, again

Ok so, I know I have been renowned for my indecision and my tendency to make major choices in the shortest of time. But hell, I don't need to explain my choice to anyone but "her". I hope my justification was enough. It pains my heart to leave you.

As of Next Sunday I'll be in Canberra, trusting that my little $1500 car makes it. How painstaking it will be.

I think one of my greatest regrets is not taking the opportunity to see Dad. I had all the time in the world. But now im gone. Well, Canberra isn't so far away.

Should I stay or should I go?

Surely now is the time to update my journal of life. I fear my writing skills have failed me; however, my delays to this blog have been long lived and I must continue now. I'll try to move back to my old ways of regular updates. A general overview. It's the beginning of 2007, I'm once again lost in the confusion of what to do. My return home has given me an inclination to settle (I feel terribly guilty, considering my family in QLD has just taken some of my stuff to Canberra). Fact is that reasons for staying in Melbourne are surmounting. Seeing my family has brought interests in stability. Mum is definitely interested in me staying in Melbourne. I'm starting to agree with her as I have already spent 2 years away from home. What I find most intriguing is my sudden interest in settling. Previously, I have wanted to continue my momentum by moving around and experiencing new places and people. Now, the idea of resting my travelling legs seems to be grounding and enticing. Second is my new found relationship. What a great Gal. I wont say too much, except that I met her a couple of years ago and now her being a part of my life has obviously influenced my decision to stay.

Thirdly, the simple transition from continual discovery, while in Brisbane, has been moving at the least. I have learnt much in the last 2 years; however, what I haven't learnt is how to stay still and reflect in the here and now. For too long I have looked too far forwards, never thinking about what I have in front of me.

At the end of the day, I still want to learn Chinese; I still want to see the world, and live in a culture outside my own; but most importantly, I want to have people I care about around me. I fear that my continual momentum will remove me from those I love and care for.

hahaha and to think I was getting comfortable with the status quo. My state of affairs have changed again. As per usual. Could I expect anything different.

okok some photos to make everyone happy

Has it been that long?

A moderately profound feeling of confusion, once again. I haven't added to my blog in some time; however, I believe this absence of Internet presence is attributable to my relative calm and acceptance for things as they are. Actually, I don't believe that is entirely true. But tapping into that wealth of knowledge or understanding is just beyond my grasp. Am I really accepting things? Or, am I just waiting for chaos to resume.

I'm elated at the potential being held by my lack of freewill. Work is gruelling but satisfying, my lack of social structure has reemerged to be an issue worth dealing with, and my debts are increasingly troublesome, considering my less than anticipated income.

I'm still elated. Just yesterday, I started looking for starter lessons for Chinese on the net. So far I can write: 你 我 好 妈 再 见 哥 对 妈, and a bunch I can't recall at the moment. Enthusiasm for a language seems to be a binding glue for my sanity. My passion for language is developing and I cannot wait to become fully focused to my university life in Canberra next year (hahaha or Brisbane - we will see). Sorry, yes, Canberra, if they accept me. I can only wait and see.

I feel I should include some profound paradigm to discuss; however, I don't feel the need to raise particulars at present. I am actually, moderately, satisfied. Fantastic.

Anyways, work is going well, I have a car, the family is great, I miss all my friends from Brisbane, and the rest of world for that matter, and last of all, I have been climbing off and on since I got back. I really have to make a better attempt at the climbing.

Enjoy the calm while it lasts.

再见 (See you later)

Reflections on the past

I feel that it is now important that I write something. Today, I started reading some of my posts from my time in Thailand. I reflected mostly on my time with Na, mainly because she epitomised my time spent there. I feel so sad to reflect on it. It saddens me to think of what might have been. Whether anyone believes it or not, I really wanted to be with her. I wanted a life with her.

However, what I find most unusual is that I looked at the photos I posted with a sense of deja vu. As though it were not me who spent 3 months with a girl from the Northeast of Thailand. I long to reattach myself to the memories I hold.

My temptation to return to those days is overwhelming, however traumatic they may have been. Obviously, I wont be going back to Thailand anytime soon. I simply miss the girl I grew so attached to; the girl I would have done anything for. Well, anything except go back to visit. Perhaps my revisiting Thailand, and Na, would have saved our relationship. Then again, one cannot make chaotic predictions based on the possibility of what might have been. Speculation is necessary on many occasions; however, speculation goes against what is seemed logical and responsible, when it comes to love and sacrifice.

Do I really mean that last statement?

Back home. This is home, for now.

ahhhhhhhh

I'm so tired. The product of a strange Friday night. I went to the Lion Hotel to meet old friends. heheh most didn't show but I had great fun, managed to meet some crazy Indian guy (actually he wasn't crazy as such), and spent the night at his mates house in the city.

Work is about to start, and I have buried myself further in debt. I have purchased a car, which I should get on Tuesday, and I'm starting to get excited about the trips to the Grampians and alike for climbing.

My work will hopefully consist of 50 hour weeks, most nights ending around 11 at night. At some stage I'll become accustomed to the routine; however, the early stages of this job will probably take its toll. The money is my prime motivator. I need to pay off all my debts before February and my adventures in Canberra.

Being back in Melbourne for 1 week now has made more excited about the future. I'll own a car for the first time in a couple of years, work for the first time since July, and see soooo many family friends that I haven't seen in many years.

I would love to elaborate more but I am now too tired and perplexed by my surroundings to be bothered.

Have a good one.

Freedom or Limited Freedom

I am finding it fascinating to observe the differences between myself and my landlord. She is Korean and has lived in Australia for around 20 years. She still holds true many old fashioned values from her home land. As an Australian I pride myself on the freedoms we, as Australians, are entitled to.

So, conflict arises when my complaints for invading our privacy without prior notice collide with her insistence on looking over us like some superior dictator. Arguable she requires respect because she is my elder; however, I understand that age is no grounds for respect. Those that deserve respect get it.

This discourse reminds me of the instance where my German house mates and I complained to no end about protecting our privacy; that my landlord cannot just enter our rooms when ever she feels the need, without notifying us. Then, when my Korean house mate complained, the landlord puts her rank in order. My house mate immediately submitted and my landlord retained her superiority over him.

hahahah It is quite amusing to see my landlord on the verge of tears because she can't accept the fact that westerners fight for the freedoms we hold dearly. Her son-in-law, on the other hand, has worked with Australians from many years and appreciates what I am fighting for. He understands our way of life and almost practices it as Australian born citizens do.

Sorry, my brain doesn't seem to be functioning properly, so you will just have to take this bad prose as it is. Maybe I'll be a little more inspired following my exams on Monday. Fantastic. The end of this stage of my life is almost over. Following this, the future is quite unknown. Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne. The opportunities are endless.

Hiding behind the bullshit

Am I hiding reality behind words?

As I write I start to feel as sense of pointlessness to the 'words' I write. They are a medium that decieves and deuludes those that read them. I argue that those reading my posts probably don't quite understand the true nature of my meaning; actually, I think I mask my emotional states and actions behind that rationalism I act out in my daily life.

Even these words I write now are me trying to orchestrate some constructive means of discovery; however, when I look deep down, what I am missing is the essense of my life - decisions, emotions, actions, and so many things I can't quite pin-point. And this distance is pushing me further and further away from the possible truth. Admittadly, this discussion is pushing me to the boundaries of a an identity crisis.

I dare not ask that anyone understand what I am speaking of. All I want is to know that I might find out if my extreme endevours to council, in the form of prose, are productive. My fear is that I am pushing further and further from a reality that lies just outside my written perspective.

My pride for writing well has now betrayed my senses and rationality. As I say, by writing you can decieve the masses by appearing as the honest victor, when in actual fact the truth is hidden behind numerous layers of bullshit.

However, at the end of the day, I have embarked on a discourse that seems impossible cease. This paradoxial situation has led me to a horrific and never ending path of self distructive prose. But I love it. I love the idea that my writing can form a cohesive structure. It is a thing of beauty, even if it is not the true representation. I am sure my rationale is decieving me as I type, but perhaps I will find 'enlightenment' at the end of this immensely lengthy tunnel.

I feel there is something there, just outside my conscious sphere, that I am missing. Something just there, yet so far from me. I just can't quite grasp it. These lines of bullshit seem to be the never ending quest to find some holy grail that isn't actually there. Or, maybe my quest discover true meaning is so far removed from my 'meaningful statements' that I need not bother. I should live in ignorance of the truth of my being and come to the final conclusion that a confident front is far more pragmatic than a mislead and misguided path to self-distruction.

HAHAHAHHAHAA I'm sure those close to me would have preffered a more coherent post, and I hope someone can understand the nodal shift I am moving through at the moment. To say that I am no longer coherent or rational is false. I am 'with it'. I understand the difference between good and bad, and the meaning of motivation to survive. I am simply strivomg to discover more than that which I know. I really feel the need to find the truth behind all this bullshit. I use the term bullshit in 2 ways: Firstly, to understand the difference between these 'meaningful statement' and my actual reality; and secondly, to understand this truth that I so dearly seek. I still don't quite completely understand what I am seeking.

Damn I think too much. Slap me.

I am struggling to find my purpose. My recent brake up, continual moves, lack of social groups and the continued changing and randomness, has left me feeling stranded, with no real interest in where I would like to end up.

Understandably, once someone has children their purpose is clear. Also, the purpose of a child, teenager or new adult is specified by their current interest. But I find myself questioning more than how I can simply enjoy life and feel fulfilled. Is it enough to say I want to live in another country? Will I be happy once I complete my degree? Will life in Thailand fulfill my intentions? I am still committed to my cause. But what is that cause?

These questions are philosophical and psychological in content, and cannot be answered so simply. This analysis makes me think that I should remove some of these layers of complexity that I place on myself. After all, someone can be happy living the most simple of lives. Why should I insist on some sort of enlightenment of satisfaction?

Too many big questions. Maybe I could put this recent spell down to my mourning for the loss of my GF. Hopefully, my time in Melbourne will change my outlook.

And a final big question. Thai or Chinese? Which language? Both are pretty cool.

Ahh reflection

I feel much more at peace today. Yesterday was the pinnacle of a stage in my life that has given me closure. I can look forward now, not back. I can move on without fear of leaving something behind. The future is uncertain but I am satisfied.

My persistance to fend off criticism in the face of obvious deception was simply due to my human instinct to be wanted. Perhaps that is something I have learnt. I wont always be alone, even if it seems like I may never find what I am looking for. Time will tell and I'm almost certain that my future will be filled with love and companionship. In what form? I dare not speculate.

"...life goes on. Always Look forwards, never surender, never give up, and never regret. PRESEPADA FOREVER."

Thanks Joe Frog. You are an inspiration to us all.

A semi conclusive result

What have I become? I'm mourning the symbolic loss of 'my dearest' yet it has been 8 months since I have been in her presence. I cannot stop thinking about how my future might have been different if other choices had been made. Surely I am a glutton for punishment, but that is a characteristic I choose to renounce from here on. I would like my decisions to be wiser and less risk based, but I fear that this course of action would lead to a stifling of my fascination with my edge of life attitude.

So, in a nut shell, she isn't coming. The deception makes me utterly bitter, but I still feel such a strong affection for her, and I wouldn't dare criticise her out right. Why? It was a less than model relationship, filled with turmoil, forgiveness, and anguish. Yet, I persisted, even when all seemed lost, when those around me told me to 'cut and run'. But if I subscribe to the concept of 'no regrets' I must accept what has happened. I feel that my optimistic 'no regrets' and 'glutton for punishment' beliefs are starting to crumple like some fragile paper plane. No longer will this plane fly as I am now resembling a bitter soul with little enthusiasm or trust for the words I receive.

Can I ever trust again? Yes, for I am, unfortunately, a trusting person, even in the face of obvious deception - if there is such a thing. I trust because I believe that all people want is to be trusted. My err is that I ignore the obvious attempts to sway my judgment in a manner that I dare not choose, if I were to be rationally minded.

My depression has once again arose to be a mortifying force in my daily activities. I no longer feel the positive essence flowing though this lifeless body and all I can hope for is a painless month's end to the semester. However, now is when I must be at the top of my game; final essays, exams and attendance are the order of the day. I should focus and immerse myself in the labyrinth of knowledge but my mind is on a journey and I don't feel like I have been invited. Something in me is missing, and perhaps it is her - perhaps it is not.

At any extent, I can look forward to completing this semester. I will head back to my roots and find old memories that have been locked away for some time. My detachment from my old life has been detrimental to my well being, yet has also enhanced my worldly point of view. My imagination runs wild as I contemplate the events of the next 4 months. But at the moment I have not got the energy to push. Maybe I need to recognise my current loss and feel it like a thousand weights of the world before I can recover sufficiently.

My decision to stick with Thai language in Canberra has eventually been based on my fascination with Asia. A seemingly logical deduction resulting in a choice of language. Thailand is a beautiful place and the language fascinates me. So, following my stay in Melbourne I will be heading to Canberra to begin my 'Bachelor of Asian Studies (Specialist) Thai'. My enthusiasm elevates slightly as I contemplate my educational future, but it is still not enough to put a smile on my face.

Then again, maybe today is just a bad day.

An uncomfortable wait

I should be happy and excited at the upcoming events of tomorrow; however, I find myself dreading what might happen. Could it be possible that everything I have strived for will end tomorrow? I hope not. On the other hand I'm intent on holding my faith and finding the strength to persist.

Which brings to me to an ironic twist in my way of thinking. While I almost completely reject the concept of blind faith in religion I accept the concept of blind faith in love. Why is it so? Well, I'm not to sure, but I think it has something to do with love being far more irrational than normal, simple life. When I say normal I simply refer to the many choices and opting for the one that seems to bear the most positive benefit in return. Yet love is irrational because people tend to make outrageous decisions under the guise of love.

I'm not revealing my cards just yet. I believe that can wait until I know for certain the final outcome of my arduous commitment. Cartesian skepticism has driven me to a world of doubt, but I'm sure my friends would say that I have always been a skeptic.

What a relaxing day

Today was an exceptional bludge. I had the opportunity to climb and ride but I gave it all up for the chance to stay home and relax, for a change. And what a day it was: I bludged, watched a movie, bludged, played some games, ate some food, and bludged some more. It was fantastic. Now I have another week of school to look forward to. Initially, I had expected my first semester to be long and drawn out; now, I am finding that time will surely catch up to me and I'll be stressing about the up and coming end of semester.

Atleast I'll have my GF by my side. She has her visa and I should be expecting her in the next coming weeks. I'm very excited, yet quite nervous. It has been many months since I last saw her and it is all coming together now. A grand finale to the first stages of our relationship. I will see her soon and we will, once again, continue on, living our lives.

I'm tired and lost for words. I could mention that I have climbed, rode, and admired the "Brisbane RiverFire Festival"; however, that would be pointless and I'm too tired to bother.

Fun dee na (sweet dreams)

Ok, so I have figured out that what I 'really know' is nothing; Nothing for certain anyway. I did figure out that a semi colon can be used in many different ways; however, I still lack the ability to use them practically. heheh I may also be lacking the correct use of hyphens as it may appear. Don't get me started on the human construct versus the perception of material things. Sorry if I'm somewhat indifferent to your current stream of reality. I have been at uni for some time now and it is having an effect.

So, a paradox. My girlfriend, for instance, is supposed to be coming to Australia on Monday. Will it happen? Yes, of course, it has to happen. I have been waiting for so long now. Do I have certainty of this 'fact'? Hell no. Even if I knew she was coming I would still question it. The many parameters effecting such an outcome are uncountable. So is she coming? Very, Very maybe.

So why do I feel this sensation of absolute confusion. I know not what I can know. Well more susinctly, I know I can never know anything; well, atleast from the readings I have done in my Philosophy class. I know my writing skills are substandard to the level that I would like to see, but I figure that will always be the case. Ok, Ok, enough ramblings. heheh Just enough to confuse my fellow readers.

It is 1738 and I am sitting in the great court with one of the borrowed laptops. I'm reflecting on the next couple of hours as I have a substantial amount of work to do if I want to climb on Friday. You see, I have 2 things due in on Friday and the only possible way I can climb is if I manage to finish all my work tonight and tommorrow. Maybe I will and maybe I wont.

Friday has the potential to involve multi-pitch climbing, danger and adventure. I can't wait. It has been so long since I have seen Mt Tibrogargen and I look forward to the great thrill of each pitch. The feeling is almost indescribable. But then the feeling is excentuated by the fact that I should expect my girl friend to come any day now. I feel I'm heading towards a great downfall but at the moment I feel ok-the calm before the storm. If my last 6 months of waiting have been in vein I will, I will not see my dearest and I'll surely be quite distraught. But if I do see her I will be absolutely extatic. Inevitably it will end in tears but that is all a question of how pessamistic one man can be. Believe me, I can be quite pessamistic at times.

I think I'll leave this pointless entry now. I imagine I'll recieve many concerned calls of enquiry as this post has been somewhat abstract in context; and that is all relevent to the beer at school syndrome. heheh Don't stress.

ahhhhh finally home at last?

Where was that again? I find home to be an abstract term. Surely you can purchase a home and call it your own; You can make a garden just the way you like it, you can paint it with your favourite colours and you can even raise a loving family in it. How long can one hold onto this materialistic idea of home. In time this home could be come a detrimental burden on financial resources, necessitating a move to a new "home".

"Home is where the heart is". - Source unknown

I have just finished my first day in my new house. 6 Girls and 1 guy. Sounds like a sitcom. Let me better inform you, it is not a humorous deal. Ok perhaps there are some humorous anecdotes to be had but I am more fearful of the eventuating differences between men and woman showing. Is it possible that I will see a major alteration in my own personality as a result of this female dominating house hold. Or perhaps there could be a beneficial lesson for me to learn. I am still in a state of indecision as to how this household will effect me, and how I will effect the house for that matter.

What to do? Ahhhh I'm lost. Perhaps I'll just focus on my homework.

OOOOOOOO Things are starting to look up for my teerak and I. Applications will be lodged, planes will be booked and good byes will be said. I'm still very apprehensive as to the final outcome of this saga but it looks as there may be a positive side to this immense sacrifice I have made. hahah I still haven't told her I live with 6 girls. I'm sure she will be fine. OOO another dilemma. Is conflict bound to eventuate under the circumstance where my girlfriend moves into the sharehouse with 6 girls? Now that is a sitcom.

Ahh the bureaucracy has its effect

As the beginning of my first week comes to end and I reach the medial moment of truth I find the bureaucracy puzzling me. Different course materials are supposed to be available to the students through different means. I would have thought that centralising such a system would lead to greater continuity and less confusion. Now I need to find my lecture notes for one subject and my current set reading task for another. I was once told that "University is not meant to teach you anything but how to manage time and solve problems". I'm starting to believe this true.

I'm not bitter by any means I'm just concerned that this temporary delay may slow my progress and may lead to me falling behind. But then again, with my paranoid nature I'm sure I'll be on top of it in no time.

First impressions

Initially I was excited and enthralled by the idea of beginning uni again. Now I am sitting in my first lecture theatre, not as the sole student of Introduction to philosophy but as the most punctual (for now) student. More paranoid and bewildered actually. I am now feeling a sense of nervousness, not fear for whether I will succeed but a fear of the unknown. I had always prided myself on lavishing the excitement of looking into this great abyss but now I feel some what intimidated.

I'm lost for words. A revelation mentioned by many came to me. One cannot live with forever increasing highs for the lows will approach quicker than one would imagine. In my case this can come on a daily or even hourly basis. I must learn or atleast try to reduce the contrast of my highs and lows. Mind you, most would suggest I am trivialising my concerns. They would be right.

So how does one try remove themselves from these, seemingly uncontrollable, emotional roller coaster rides. Only through time with much reflection and pride through ones..... What am I saying? I wouldn't know. Perhaps I can receive some quality advice and a stern kick in the bum.

"STOP THINKING INTERNALLY AND FOCUS ON THOSE EXTERNAL INPUTS YOU REQUIRE. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE..." I already regret that last statement.

---------------

Ok so now I am out of my first lecture and frankly it was great. I spoke a couple of times and realised this brain does still work outside my consciousness. Philosophy is going to be a fascinating subject. Soon enough I will be pulling my hair out to conclude this semester successfully but I think things are atleast moving in the right direction.

Academia for the masses

I'm finally here. :o( I lost my car and have now to rely on my bike but I'm absolutely elated at my potential future. I have been waiting for this day for many years. The day where I can truely say I am committed to my cause. What passions and motivations would compel me to embark on such a journey? My commitment to the next 4 years of University is quite intimidating but I understand that it is for my ultimate benefit and I'm throroughly looking forward to the Challenge.

My departure from my ex employer was some what surreal as I had once anticipated my stay in the company to be more long standing than what prevailed. I'm so proud to finally say that I will not settle for the sake of income. I need to support a life style I find fascinating and inspiring.

I'll leave it short as I am in the Library now and must proof read my mates work. hehehehe It is already starting. My first lecture is next monday and I'm just giddy with excitment. Then again, maybe its just the lactic acid in my legs from all this riding.

"...It all starts here. This is the time when you make one of the most important commitments in your life. There is no turning back as that would be to give into the temptation of failure" - Nengi

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the sixth letter of the alphabet

I hear the bells a ringing.

ฆ- Kor Rakang
ระฆัง
Rakang - Bell


Kor Khon is a Low class consonant and has a mid tone for Kor and a high followed by mid tone for Rakang.

Rakang is a 2 syllable word, therefore Ra is high and kang is mid.

Phuad Lang Mak Mak (Very soar back)

AHHHHHHHH

The pain of it all. What to do? I slept the wrong way and now my back is aching like crazy. It doesn't make sense. I do all these crazy sports and it's sleeping in the wrong fashion that throws my back out. I can't think straight but I still have to work. Jee I wish I had extra staff here so I could just take 1 damn sick day.

Bugger it. I'm on slow mo today.

Adventure Racing: Not for the Lazy

I have experienced such an amazing and painful thing over the weekend. It's called Adventure Racing. This style of competition involves mountain biking, cross country running and canoeing. I'm sure other sports can be involved but for our event this was what we had served to us. Tentions were high, dirty looks flowing through the crowd from person to person and then there was us.

Tam had already planned to compete and had been training prior to the race with her team mate Cas - you may remember Cas climbing with us one fine Sunday afternoon. Marty and I decided we would head down to the Gold Coast with them to search for some untouched rock to climb. We brought our bikes and about 20 - 30 kilos of climbing gear. I could see in Marty's eyes, he was exceptionally jealous and was really quite eager to compete in the race. If only he had a team mate to compete with. This is where I came in. Ideas and questions were thrown around and before I knew it I was dragged into this pain staking journey of discovery, pain, exercise, adventure and of course pain.

I began my day with 2 pieces of toast. The winning formula for any adventure racing team. Followed by a couple of cigarettes. This was a bad start to any day, let alone a grueling race through the hills around Hyines Dam (spelling).

Marty and I had very little time to prepare so we urgently ran back to the cars to grab our bikes and headed back to the marshalling area. When asked for the name of our team I immediately thought of "Better late than never". Unfortunately this was taken so the most appropriate name I could think of was "Preparation is everything", nothing like lazy irony.

We scrambled to the start line while the safety presentation was going and tried to study the paperwork we had shoved in our faces 5 minutes prior to starting. Before we knew it the siren went and we were hurdling down the hill at the speed of, "Oh my god. This is crazy. Where is my breakfast and smokes?".

Our first leg was the canoeing. It has been many years since I have paddled my way across a lake and now I understand why. Paddling is grueling work. Much energy is used through the legs, shoulders, hands and back. To make it worse we had to, somehow, mount 2 bikes in the middle of the canoe. It was recommended that we use our bags to harness the bikes to the boat. Unfortunately we had poor excuses for bags so we just tried the balancing act. The handle bars were dragging in the water which made each paddle more arduous that desired. Approximately 2 kms later we reached the end of the leg and were launching into the water, trying not to drop our phone and camera laden bags in the water.

The mountain biking leg was great fun, absolutely exhausting but quite enjoyable. There were many checkpoints to make in this leg. Marty and I were ranking around the middle of the pack but atleast we were enjoying this up and down style of riding. I had never realised precisely how hard it was pushing a bike up a dirt track. My legs were aching, lungs burning and general exhaustion set in. I was seeing stars but luckily I had Marty on side. He was surely the driving force behind our team. The ride firstly took us through the narrow dirt and sand tracks. This, followed by some nice road riding towards the pumping station for the damn, checkpointing as we rode. To finish off this leg I struggled up a climb. This hill was probably about 500m long and by the top I was spent. Luckily as my worst leg was next in line. The run.

I was dreading the next leg as we approached the marshalling station. We dropped our bikes and consumed some gooey power sludge stuff. It is supposed to be full of energy goodness but honestly it simply reminded me of that caramel topping you get at Maccas. Once again we were off and running. This style of competition was a major undertaking on my part as I have always considered myself as a short distance racer - even that is somewhat of an exaggeration as I am not really that athletic anyway.

The run started ok but about 1km down the track I started to feel the lack of oxygen in my legs. My lungs were a flaming in pain like no other. To top it off I was hyper ventilating fairly badly. Martin saw me starting to slow down and responded by coaxing me into moving again. "Come on, remember to breath". It all seemed so obvious but so out of reach. I was breathing rapidly and was starting to get a little delirious but I pushed on. hehehe He even tried to gain my conformation that I wasn't becoming disgruntled with his coach like coaxing. I understood why he was doing it and, chances are, I would have walked most of the way if it weren't for his support. After lots of walking and running I was surely spent but I still had 2 legs to go before I could rest. The "Mystery Leg" (more mountain biking) and the last canoeing leg.

The "Mystery Leg" consisted of very narrow trails, mud and lots of little hills to ride up and down. The aim of this leg was to write down the 10 track names as we progressed through the course. Marty was flying along and I was generally trying not to have a serious accident. Mountain biking in such narrow quarters can be a harrowing experience and I was just trying to be as cautious as possible. It seemed as though this leg lasted forever, mainly because there were so many little hills. I often found myself having to dismount just to get up some of them. I felt a great sense of relief once we had finished this leg as I knew the final leg was due and then the finish line would be in sight.

Our final push for victory (finishing the race without passing out) was the canoeing. I was tired but I still had some energy left. One great aspect of this type of racing is that once a leg is finished the racer can move onto the next leg which involves different muscles and different styles of movement. This time round we didn't have to take the bikes along so we could paddle to our hearts content without the added drag. My hands were aching after a short time but we knew the finish line was close so we paddled and panted until we reached the other side of the Dam. From here Marty quickly jumped out of the boat and clipped our last checkpoint marker while I turned the canoe back around. As we headed back towards the other side of the Dam my hands, back and legs started to hurt. I stopped paddling for a moment. As I tried to open my hand a surge of pain went through my fingers. The pain was just bearable so I thought it best to continue. We weren't going to win the race but we atleast had the motivation to be competitive. The last half of the leg finished quickly and our excitement forced us to launch out of the boats feet first into the shallow water. We hauled the boat back onto land and could see the end in sight.

Our bikes were waiting for us where we left them. We mounted and started the last push for glory. I had a new burst of energy due to the excitement of completing this arduous event. Martin was complaining of cramps in his legs and I could only say "Ha, payback for the running". 2 opponents were in sight so I started pushing harder and faster. They didn't look all that competitive by that stage so Marty and I passed with ease. I felt an amazing sense of achievement because I had completed something I didn't expect to, and ofcourse due to the fact that I did it with my very good friend Marty. We ranked 21 out of 38 teams and I considered this a personal victory as this was Marty and my first adventure race.

As we waited for the girls to come in we treated ourselves to the complimentary lunch talked about the wonderful pain and suffering that is Adventure Racing. The girls came back though a little behind scheduale due to a navigational malfunction (hehe we will blame the event organisers to save face for the girls). Very unceremoniously we all sat on the ground eating while the winners were announced and prizes handed out. We didn't mind how we placed. It's all about being involved and stepping outside of your comfort zone.

So now I sit in front of my computer questioning the logic of this adventure. I will surely be back to compete again but the question is, why? Well it's because us humans can be hard to satisfy. We push through boundaries because we are curious to see what is behind them. Do we accomplish our goals, or do we fail and learn from these mistakes? There will always be a second chance and I will harness every chance I get. Who knows, maybe we will rank 10th instead of 21st next time.

Probably not.

My apologies for all the gramatical error. I'm too tired to stress about bad english on a public blog.

Mountain Biking on Mt Cootha

I often delve too deep inside my thoughts and forget to document the normal, recreational happenings of my life. The below story is about a little adventure I had with some friends.

Last Sunday I was lucky enough to go mountain biking on Mt Cootha (pronounced "Mt Coota"). Marty wasn't too sure if he could get a bike so I decided to drive around to his place with my climbing gear and my bike on the back. We were going to do something, whether that be climbing or riding.

I reached Tam and Marty's at about 1445 and knew I was pushing it as we had an appointment at the Regatta to meet everyone at 1500, so we were late. Tam advised me that Marty had found a bike but it was all the way over in the Valley (Fortitude Valley to all the non-Brisbanites). What a ride. That poor guy picked up the bike and rode at the speed of sound to where we were.

Before we knew it we were a riding force. Joe Frog, Cas, Tam, Marty, Keith and I rode like a posse of trouble making bikies. We approached the mount and it was then that I suddenly realised that climbing a mountain involves both mountains and climbing. Duh Nengi. I understood this was the case before hand but I didn't realise that it was a non-stop climb from bottom to top. As a smoker this concept can be hard to fathom but I strived at peddled to my hearts content - actually my hear was probably struggling :oP. My lungs were burning but I kept going. As it turns out I didn't do to badly. Not once did I walk with the bike and I reached the top with the leading pack.

By the time I reached the top I was thoroughly looking forward to some downhill style, non-peddling motion. Cas knew of a good track so we all followed the "Captain" and headed towards the local 9 network station - this was where the track started.

I had never really done any downhill mountain biking before and I was suddenly fascinated by this new found sport I had stumbled across. What an amazing sensation. The track was dirt and gravel the whole way down and within the first 100 metres I was picking up speed, heading towards the first jumps.

These jumps are, technically, used for the reduction of erosion. Now I know that environmental controls are very important but I can imagine how these conveniently natural bike jumps came to be. Imagine this, an advisor is discussing different methods of reducing erosion through the length of the bike track with a committee of council and parks types. The advisor made sure to pack his riding gloves and helmet on his bike out front. He or she conveniently covers their lycra bike shirt with responsible attire. "Now I think the best way of preventing erosion would definitely be to build up 1 to 2 foot high mounds every 15 to 20 metres". Wise advisor, hehehe and we are all grateful for this inventive erosion prevention technique.

The adrenaline is flowing and my excitement is building. I have become used to the rush of adrenaline from my climbing experiences but downhill mountain biking offers a new and intense form of adrenaline rush to me. It is an amazing feeling to grind down a mountain with nothing but dirt and gravel underneath. The wheels slide, gradually losing and gaining traction. I'm sure that at any given moment I could slip and hurdle down the coarse surface face first.

An exceptionally scary moment found us at the top of a steep section of the track. It must have been a 45 degree decline and I was salivating for the chance to take it on. My brakes were engaged constantly as I learned how to prevent the wheels from locking and sending me at an uncontrollable pace down the hill. I quickly realised that the best method for going down such steep terrain was to hold the front brakes consistently hard while varying the pressure of the back brakes.

At the end of the day I reflected on our riding exploits. It took us about 30 minutes of intense, uphill riding to get to the top. Our downward leg took about 5 to 10 minutes but it was one of the most exciting 5 - 10 minutes of downhill thrashing I have ever experienced. I'll surely be back to tackle the mountain if I can build up the courage to ride up mighty Mt Cootha again.

What an amazing day. Thanks to those that organised the ride. I can't wait to head out with my fellow riders to some larger mountains and longer down hill tracks.

Have I failed to mention something

Hooray for me. I have finally stopped woking 13 hr days. Such an immense sense of joy for me. Thost hours were really trying my patience and I can happily say it is all behind me now.

I can look forward to school, Na and more climbing. Now that I think of it, I might climb tonight.

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the Fifth letter of the alphabet

Is it peoples or things?

ฅ- Kor Khon
ฅน
Khon - Person


Kor Khon is a Low class consonant and has a mid tone for Kor and a mid tone for Khon.

When referring to things and people Thais will refer to them as one or the other. So if I were to say "3 students" I would say "nak rien sam khon" (student 3 person). It I were to say "3 bottles of beer" I would say "bia khuad sam khan" (beer bottle 3 things). Thais generally tend to speak in a broken Thai so whether I would speak the whole sentance is questionable. When ordering a beer I would more than likely say "Ao bia Leo khuad song krap" or "want beer Leo (great beer) bottle 2". Again I would love to have some corrections to my limited Thai or even some little tips and lessons .

A fear worth striving for

My willingness to be a part of such a drastically risk based relationship has been a journey of major discovery. I have put all on the line for something I believe in and I'm not sure if it will be a wise or naive decision. My sacrifice has surely taught me many things and one thing I try to hold onto is that stereotypes should not be an ultimate source for the decision making process.

My concern is that maybe I should take note of some of these stereotypes. All being said, I really don't want to hear the advice of those around me, even though those councils are simply trying to help me. It seems arrogant of me but for what it is worth I'm still prepared to embark further down this seemingly self destructive path to find the fruits of my labour.

A cross roads has come to head and I am truly scared for what I might find, but as I see it I cannot fall back now and retreat. Na means more to me than anybody realises and it can be said that this is the most important relationship I have been in.

I'm so lost in my thoughts with no real, ultimate solution to the questions I ask myself. heheh maybe I can say that it has atleast been good inspiration for my writing. Not that that translates to more hits on my site.

A never ending search

The search for residence seems to be never ending. There is much pain and suffering through the struggle of finding a suitable abode to rest ones head. This escalating problem is starting to take hold on the rental market in Australia and I feel it is only going to get worse.

I could quite easily find residence in a sharehouse but I have been living in sharehouses for a year and a half now and I am surely done with it. Many friends have been made and there is much I have learnt from the vast breadth of different cultures in my life but I'm sick of seeing good friends leave to never be in my presence again.

In actual feel I'm simply getting a little older and could do with a little more independence and solitude. I have had a car since the beginning of my sharehouse bonanza and have therefore been the local shopping bunny. I look forward to relying more on myself and not having so many dependents under my wing. I have loved them all dearly and wont ever forget them but the time has come for me to move into more reclusive surroundings - jee is that a good thing or not?

So My contract ends soon and I could quite easily be out on my ass before I know it but I'm quietly optimistic that something will come along just in the nick of time. Hopefully.

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the Fourth letter of the alphabet

Why isn't there a letter for our dear friend, the cow?

ค- Kor Kwai
ควาย
Kwai - Buffalo


Kor Kwai is a Low class consonant and has a mid tone for Kor and a mid tone for Kwai.

It can be considered sacraligeous to eat buffalo meat due to the working nature of this gentle giant. Buffalo are still used to help plow fields of rice. They do seem gentle but I don't think I would want to find myself between a buffalo and a hard place.

Hooray!!! I'm off to uni and the rains are finally here

I have received my offer and now all I have to do is enroll for school. I feel great about it. Times will be tough as a student by I thoroughly look forward to being educated again. Of course I say I'll do all my homework ahead of time but time will tell. I'm really eager to strive for this goal, even though I'll have to work part time aswell. What I will gain from this experience is more than money can buy. For so long I have felt inadequate. Like there is something missing in my life. I'm so fascinated by the idea of completing my degree because I now know only that of what I have learnt in Highschool and TAFE.

I couldn't forget to mention the rain. Brisbane has had rain for the last couple of days now. It's a fantastic blessing for our dry brown land. We have needed a good rain for many years now. I'm sure this wont be enough but atleast it's something. Unfortunately I'm not too sure if it's raining around our catchment areas. I hope that the resent spell of rain will make an impact on our water levels but sadly I don't think this is possible at the moment. Maybe the rainy season will bless us. We can only wait and see. We could just settle for drinking recycled sewage water.

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the Third letter of the alphabet

One of the redundant letters

ฃ- Kor Khuad
ฃวด
Khuad - Bottle


Kor Khuad is a High class consonant and has a rising tone for Kor and a low tone for Khuad. Also note that ฃ is a redundant consonant and is not really used anymore. There are 2 redundant consonants and this is the first. Usually you can see ฃ replaced with ข (Kor Khai)

Each letter represents something. For instance the Gai in Gor Gai means Chicken, the Khai in Kor khai means egg and the Khuad in Kor Khuad means bottle. This can be handy as once you have learn't the alphabet you will have a 44 word vocabulary.

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the Second letter of the alphabet

So how are you anyway?

HOW ARE YOU? (ARE YOU GOOD?)

สบายดีไหมคร่บ - Note that between the first consonant and the second there are no vowels. This because the vowel is assumed.

Sabai Dee Mai (basically means "feeling good?")

I think this must have been the second sentance I learnt.

ข
- Kor Khai - The Second letter of the Thai alphabet. Kor has a Rising tone and Khai has a Low tone. Kor Khai is also a Low class consonant. There are three classes of consonant and this is one of the governing factors which gauges tone to a word. I forgot to mention in the last Thai letters post that Gor Gai is a Middle Class consonant.

As of my next entry I will be focusing on each individual letter so the word of the day will be a word that starts with the selected letter of the alphabet.

What next?

Work is slow so I thought I might write.

My search for a new house is getting dire. Very soon I'll be out of my current residence and in a new one. As long as I can find one sufficient for my needs. I have spent to much time in sharehouses and have now opted for a place of my very own. My own little sanctuary where I can do what I like without scaring the living day lights out of my fellow house mates. This current line of thought stems partly from the forthcoming arrival of my dearest. If all works to plan she should be here by the middle of July sometime. I can only hope. Control of her movement is no longer in my hands.

I am thoroughly looking forward to the next coming 6 months. Times will be tough as a student but what I will gain from education will be uncountable. It has been a dream of mine for many years. I have always wanted to gain my undergraduate degree. From there the sky is the limit. What really excites me though is the direction I am traveling. Initially my direction was computers and business. After some time of chasing these goals I realised I was doing them for the wrong reasons. Now I have the chance to learn a second language fluently and I find it terribly exciting. Ok, so some might ask, "how is that better than your previous plans?". Technically it is neither better or worse. I personally think that it gives me the chance to expand my cultural ideologies beyond our safe and secure country here in Australia.

I'm simply planning and waiting now. This plan has been put in place and now I must continue and strive to complete my new found goals.

Brief comments today as there isn't really much happening in my life at the moment. One day though. I have a feeling the next couple of years are going to be real humdingers.

Thai stuff - Word of the day and the first letter of the alphabet

When starting any language you always start with this one.

HELLO

สวัสดีครับ - Note that the vowels can be above, below, left or right of the associated consonant.

Sa-Wat-Dee Krap

Krap at the end is more of an etiquette term. Thai men will seemingly say Krap at the end of most sentences. This is a sign of repsect and etiquette. Women will say KA. There are associated tones with each syllable but for the moment we can stick with the basics.

ก - Gor Gai - The first letter of the Thai alphabet. Gor has a Mid tone and Gai has a Low tone.

I hope you find this language as interesting as I have over the past 5 or 6 months.

Immensely Tired

My eyes are struggling to stay open. My work load is starting to get the better of me. I have been doing 13 hr days for the last 3 weeks and I can surely say that my interest in continuing this arduous task is fading rapidly.

I have made a mild observation. I want to stop smoking cigarettes. Now my funds are exceptionally low and I thought, well this is the perfect time to just stop. So I missed my morning smokes and by 9 I felt that I was about to fall asleep at my desk. I'm curious to know if there is a connection with my lack of smoking. If my body is going to deteriorate during the process of quitting then I'm not to sure if it is wise for me to stop immediately. I'm sure all the non-smokers out there will tell me that it's all will power and I'll feel better when I stop but today's evidence seems to say otherwise.

I'm open to advice.

Plans are going well. School is on its way and I'm really looking forward to stopping all this work. As of 2nd semester I'll be a BA student - only temporarily. Next year I'm going to commit to my 4 yr Bachelor of Asian Studies - Thai. My fascination with Thai language has been increasing exponentially the more I learn. At present I know all the consonants and most of the vowels. My goal is to be proficient in the alphabet, tone rules, reading (to a certain extent), writing and grammar. This will give me a great head start for my course next year and could also mean the exemption to the beginner classes I'll have to do in Year 1.

I have installed the Thai language support on my PC so now I can start practicing writing by typing instead of writing. I feel this may assist with my connection to the letters as I can touch type quite fast in English and connect well with the keyboard.

I'm going to attempt to teach my readers a thing or 2 about Thai language as this could also assist me with my learning processes.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to comments as it has been some time since my last comments.

One disclaimer - A link to my blog was placed on a Thai forum. Unfortunately the forum is frequented by people that think they know too much. An assumption was made that I have quit all my aspiring goals in the pursuit of my dearest. This is not true. I'm still heading off to Uni and I'm still trying with all my might to make this relationship work. I find it amusing how so many people pass judgment on Thai women while being ill informed and arrogant. One comment someone made on this forum was:

"This guy is going to get taken for a good ride. And he has no money so it will probably be a short ride once she finds out he has nothing to give her" - Seafox

This comment infuriates me. A judgment has been passed in an international forum. I hope fellow readers can see through this guys logic by noting that my GF is more than aware of my financial situation. To assume that she would leave me once she is more well informed of my financial circumstances is a "Crock of shit". She knows what I am going through and she is also faced by the same sort of scarcity I see everyday in my own life. In actual fact I'm not to stressed out as this was coming from an over-zealous salesman and I think he is perhaps bitter due to negative experiences in the past. I'm more concerned for the greater community demanding some sort of transparency and clarity in what they read. He has defamed myself by making an ill informed judgment and also insulted a nation by criticizing its people. He should be ashamed of himself. You can not the comments at the bellow address.

http://www.phuket-info.com/forums/general/14648-private-2.html
- The critical quotes comes between comment #54 - #59

HAHAHAH also a guy used the word "Love" in relation to me and the emotional state I'm in with my GF. :oP I never used that word in my communication with him. OOOO the L word. I do care dearly for my GF but I never said that word. Love is something that develops over time and experience. Not over tea and biscuits - hehehe sorry for the bad analogy.

Yet again I find myself needing to explain actions of myself and others. Why do I bother?

Nengi

"I was so happy back then"

A lovely Sunday at Kangaroo Point Brisbane

Just yesterday I was climbing with some dear friends of mine. My head really wasn't in the game but I dug deep to find the motivation and succeeded on a couple of difficult climbs. Marty nailed some nice climbs with style while Tim Tam flew up a 21. Cas has climbed before but doesn't climb often. she still managed to get up a 19. Too good folks. Now my legs are killing me.



"I began my day at the top of the cliff. My destination? Cucumber Castle, grade 23. Unfortunately we didn't get any photos of this classic"



"Cas did a great job getting up Pterodactyl, 19. She even managed the 19 direct start. The direct is 17. Good work girl"





"Tim Tam struggled up Euthanasia, 21. It's one of those climbs that twists and turns your body into all sorts of crazy knots. I had something to prove now. I didn't want to be showed up by a girl :oP"







"I surely look "All Class". Don't be fooled by still shots, I fell a couple of times but felt really good once I got to the top. This is me on Euthanasia, 21"





"Marty flew up this 24, Punks in the Gin. I didn't even bother. My jealousy exudes as he gracefully launches up the rock. Yeah he came off a couple of times but his determination is something to be desired by all"



"We finished the day off with juice, as you would expect. And Joe Frog showed up to see us finishing our last climbs"

The day started at about 0900 and finished at 1800. It's a great feeling to get out and about. To follow those instincts I hold so dearly. With the work I'm doing now I need to assure myself that there is life outside of Toilets and Freight. Hopefully I can call off these stressful days of work soon. Unfortunately it will last so all I can do is attend my Sunday morning climbs and enjoy what time I do have to spend with friends.

Nengi